Flowing with the tide...

Life is what happens while you are planning other things!
Soo true!! Here I was, planning so many things… the castle was almost built, the fairy tale had already reached its peak, when all of a sudden reality sneaked in.. slowly, gradually.. unknowingly, crept into my castle, like a character appearing in one of the chapters of the fairy tale without any introduction.
And it took me over…
Is reality always so shattering??

Right now I am left with a blank space, with a vacuum inside, where there is no place for any feelings, no emotions, no thoughts… just a vacuum. But I think this vacuum was always with me, had followed me everywhere only that I had always overlooked its presence.

From the moment youth had crept into my life, till late, imagination has always been my night partner. The powerful mind can do all the impossible things that is beyond practicality. You can reach the heights of Mt. Everest or the depths of Antarctic.

Faceless, voiceless, yet charming, enticing, alluring….It comes and goes.. the face that I had once talked about.. the image. Maybe it was one of my imaginations but it had been a part of me for quite some time, and today as I am on the verge of burying it, it seems as if I am about to cremate somebody, maybe a part of me. Like an unborn child which had no physical existence but when conceived had brought with it, lots of dreams, happiness and life.

However hard I try to forget its existence, that it was just a fiction, a figment of my covert imagination, it is taking me with it. Like every tide takes away something from the shore.
I just hope there is enough of me left till the end of this fiasco.

Still if you see from far, it would be no fiasco, just a passing superfluous phase. Yet for me it has the same smell as in a burial ground. The same wind, similar silence as in a funeral morning. A pregnant silence. And no chance to grief… since life has to go on…
The phase has to pass on, and I am sure that it will. All that is left is to see, what it leaves behind. Enough to take me through till the end?

Someday, somewhere, sometime, when I have revived through this passing phase, may be I can sit back and think sensibly, but for now, I am flowing… flowing away with the tide.
And it feels good to be with the tide, to be on the high and to flow away with it….

Different strokes

Hey... Its your B’day! Lots of love and kisses! How I wish I could spend the entire day with you and wish to be with you the way I would dream to...
Never mind I still enjoyed today. Our relationship has taken a new turn nowadays. And I am enjoying it no less. The different strokes of our life is what enthuses us to go ahead, I guess. We had no cakes today, no gifts, no big treats. All we had was sufficient for me. We were in the place which has helped us to mould our relation in a better way. The flight of stairs leading to that place is something which I will remember forever. In your words they are "blessing in disguise". You have given me so much... so many surprises and so much of happiness. Life seems so complete. You have filled up the vacuum in my life. Where do I store all these? How do I express my gratitude? How do I show my love for you? What gift do I give you today? The gift of love? The promise of togetherness that I might never be able to fulfill? (oh no,... not again, atleast not today!)
I give you my smile, my happiness, and a promise to make our time a cherishing remembrance for you. I gift you today the different strokes to our living!
Take Care!!

The present !

Life suddenly has taken a weird turn for me. All of a sudden nothing seems to matter at all. The darkness seem to be engulfing me everyday. But I guess I am happy. Because I can see them happy. I can see everybody around me happy and I really wish I could laugh heartily for once, but somehow I don’t feel like that. Not that I want to cry. Even tears seem useless. There is happiness floating everywhere except in the darkness of mine. Nobody asks me anything and I don’t tell anything to anyone, coz I don’t find the use of talking anything anymore to anybody. I an terribly busy with office and the moment I am out of office, I am back to my dark self. Everything is shattered around me but I have lost the zeal to gather the pieces around me. As I walk along, the pieces crumble under my feet, and majestically I walk away as if they were mere dry leaves fallen from a forlorn tree.
The thing has finally struck me. The reality of what I have done has finally struck me! And it is devastating. It is eating me up gradually but I never feel a thing. Infact I have sort of accepted it. I remember a friend of mine had said that many of us find pleasure in getting hurt. Today at this point I am sure I am one of those kinds.
I am just waiting to see the extent of my fate, to see what is in store for me. It is like sitting behind and watching a movie waiting for the climax to come.
The window pane my room seems to become hazy as I keep on staring at it and try to see beyond it. The fresh air seems to suffocating today. As I stretch my hands to wash away the moisture on the glass pane the glass crumbles under my hands and the light is blocked. Darkness prevails….
Far from somewhere I can hear the laughter outside, and how similar it sounds like the cry which was choked before it could come out!

remembrance

Never A Christmas Morning,
Never the Old Year ends...

But Someone thinks of Someone,
Old days...
Old times...
Old friends...

Sorry...!

Why do I always hurt you always?? maybe that’s the only thing I have ever done to you. I really feel that I am taking you for a ride. I don’t deserve you dear. If possible forgive me, but I am totally tired of the entire situation. You were right about me. Everyday I prove that to myself how true you were about me. Some day I want to prove myself how wrong I was to leave you...but by then it would be too late, and everything will be shattered!! That’s what I want!! But what to about this guilt...cant live with this guilt lifelong!!! how i wish this world to end right now!! I am tired of it... sorry dear... couldn’t keep up to my word!! you were right!

another gift of love... !

Today hadn’t been the best of my days....... for some reason unknown I wasn’t up to the mood. It seemed as if everything was irritating me and nothing seemed to go right.
Things like this often happen to me... for some reason somewhere... things start bothering me and I cant even find a clue to its root cause.
Today had been a similar day... things didn’t seemed to be on track anymore... and I couldn’t understand why!! From my childhood I have had this habit of talking to God or maybe some person who in my illusions has control over all the things. Today I had been talking to him again... why things are happening the way they are? Why cant things go the way we desire.. and if they cant go that way why do we desire them to be... in short why is life not easy...? why are we always in a fix? What to do what not to..........?

Then I came across this article of mountain wings. Read it twice... it goes as:

-------------------------------------------------
MountainWings A MountainWings Moment
#3028 Wings Over The Mountains of Life
-------------------------------------------------

Baking A Cake
==============

A little boy is telling his Grandma how "everything" is going
wrong: school, family problems, severe health problems, etc.

Meanwhile, Grandma is baking a cake.
She asks her grandson if he would like a snack, which of course,
he does.
"Here, have some cooking oil."
"Yuck" says the boy.

"How about a couple of raw eggs?"
"Gross, Grandma!"

"Would you like some flour then? Or maybe baking soda?"
"Grandma, those are all yucky!"

To which Grandma replies: "Yes, all those things seem bad all by
themselves. But when they are put together in the right way,
they make a wonderfully delicious cake!

God works the same way.

Many times we wonder why He would let us go through such bad and
difficult times. But God knows that when He puts these things
all in His order, they always work for good!

We just have to trust Him and eventually they will all make
something wonderful!"

God is Crazy About You.
He sends you flowers every spring and a sunrise every morning.
Whenever you want to talk, He'll listen. He can live anywhere
in the universe, and He chose your heart

Cant say whether the tensions have been erased or not since I don’t exactly know what was bothering me... but yes... I feel better now... more at peace...
This is a phase, it will pass soon. If things work out according to my wishes... good! If don’t then even better as I know god’s wish is there.
Tomorrow is not far away... and its gonna be a bright one too. Another dawn... another day for me to win, another day to love, another day to live...

Search for oneself

Love and Intimacy are ultimately based on understanding - the desire to understand, the need and the willingness to be understood. Vulnerability and trust are integral.
I felt that I was not very good at saying what needed to be said. Sometimes, words did not come out at all, only the tears did. Sometimes I felt like I wasn't understood. I wondered if it were me ..
Surrender: I was a battered rag doll that had been thrown out into the elements, exposed, naked, unfamiliar with feelings and emotions....Pain .., it was feeling.
The passing seasons: It had been Autumn. Walking in the crispness, lonely, but not alone, in my emptiness, I watched a small puppy frolicking in the colored leaves that heralded the bare branches and the coming frosty winds .. Winter, a wish had come true. Winter, a death of the past. Autumn had gone, the leaves had fallen, the snow was on the ground .. maybe Spring would come again ..

Scientists Find Soft Tissue in T-Rex Bone

...A 70-million-year-old Tyrannosaurus rex fossil dug out of a hunk of sandstone has yielded soft tissue, including blood vessels and perhaps even whole cells, U.S. researchers reported....
..."Preservation of this extent, where you still have this flexibility and transparency, has never been seen in a dinosaur before." Feathers, hair and fossilized egg contents yes, but not truly soft tissue....
...The finding certainly shows fossilization does not proceed as science had assumed...

http://story.news.yahoo.com/news?tmpl=story&cid=585&e=1&u=/nm/20050324/sc_nm/dinosaur_to_dc
http://news.nationalgeographic.com/news/2005/03/0324_050324_trexsofttissue.html

Posted by DMJ, Apr 6 2005, 08:14 PM:
Since it is impossible for organic matter to survive millions of years, doesn't this finding dismiss the notion of evolution? Seems like creationism is a better theory to explain everything.
Although, I never quite bought into evolution since it violated the first and second law of thermodynamics:
#1 Matter can neither be created or destroyed. If matter can't be created, then evolution can't be accurate. A creationists solution to this problem is a God that operates outside the realm of physics.
#2 Law of Entropy, that things go from order to increased disorder. The evolutionary theory states the opposite. Evolutionist argue creation came from a random act which lead to increasing sophisticated organisms and order.

Who discovered the "80-20 Rule"?

Vilfredo Pareto

Vilfredo Pareto, an Italian economist from the turn of the 20th century, noticed that 80% of the land in Italy was owned by 20% of the citizens. He further noticed that in general, income, wealth, land ownership, and other such economic things followed a similar distribution. He formalized this observation into "Pareto's Law", which states that distribution of wealth follows a logarithmic relationship:

Log N = log A + m ( log x )

Where N is the number of income earners who earn higher than x. A and m are constants, determined by the specific system under study. The 80-20 rule, also known as the "Pareto Principle", is a specific instance of this relationship.

Dr. Joseph Juran, management expert and quality pioneer, was the first to apply the 80-20 rule outside of economics, specifically applying it productivity, giving us the most popular statement of the 80-20 rule: 80% of the work is done by 20% of the workers.

Until recently, the 80-20 rule, or logarithmic distributions in general, were rarely studied outside the fields of economics or management theory. However, recent advances in network theory have found that Pareto's Law it is equally valid for a number of other systems, both naturally occurring and man-made systems, including molecular biology, the spread of viruses (both organic and cyber varieties), the organization of terrorist cells, the infrastructure of the Internet, the organization of the World Wide Web, and the "Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon" phenomenon - a real phenomenon, although it is not unique to Kevin Bacon.

In any case, the next time you feel like you're doing 80% of the work, at least you can take comfort in knowing it's not just your imagination.

Meaning from the Silence of the space between the words:

The answers cannot be found in the words.
They can, however be found in the silence that embraces all sounds.

Finding a Meaning of Life in amongst the words

Words are sounds to which each of us ascribes our own personal meaning. Each individual sound breaks the silence like the clap of thunders breaks the stillness of the moment before a thunder storm. Yet after the storm, the sun comes out and life is renewed.

We, as a civilization, as a culture are obsessed with sounds .. and words. These words have a meaning which we only understand in terms of a feeling .. a resonance with some learned belief.

The meaning is embellished with emotions which are the consequences experienced from the use of words. If you swore in church as a child, you got a belting.

Philosophy and Spiritual Education is based on the shattered mind's need .. a search for a meaning from the mysteries of the past .. that there has to be something more to life than the conflict between what we are told to believe and what our experience is telling us is the way it is.

The search for a meaning is based on fear. Every philosophy, every religion, every individual doctrine embraced by the mind as a truth has its basis in fear.

One young lady wrote ... "the silence has been shattered by the sounds of students and teachers tearing the words to shreds looking for answers."

disillusionment

I had always thought that my 1st job, my first salary, will be special to me. It will be a step into the independent world which will take me towards being a more wholesome person. When the placement process in my institute began and the first 2 candidates got placed , I had wondered how it would feel when I too will get placed, how happy my family will be, and I had actually visualized myself of giving them the news and their overjoyed screams had already reached my ears.. But when the actual thing did happen it was nothing near to the way I had thought it to be.
It was no big company and in fact when I got the offer I really gave it a second thought, am I not losing other chances? Did I deserve something better? Is the salary too low as compared to others? And amidst theses queries I didn’t find the joy I was supposed to find. On informing my family there, too, was no flow of over joy, dad was not well(obviously after the bomb-shell that I dropped last month, it will take him some time to recover). Mom did congratulate me but somehow, even though I tried not to get it, I could feel the indifferent attitude in their voice. Maybe they were happy or sort of relieved but somehow it wasn’t the one of the happiest moments as I had wanted it to be… the wishes sounded so formal. Maybe they had expected something better.
Even as the days passed, and I thought that mom and dad would at some time refer to my job, the waited moment never came. Dad came, visited me, stayed with me, was concerned even when I had measles, but never referred to my job ever. I had always wanted to be a doctor, but due to some unavoidable circumstances, I never could go for it, though I got an offer since it would have meant huge costs. My dad was one person who always encouraged us for higher studies, he is the person from whom I gotta know about this HRM course and he has played a pivotal role in my life always, but that day which I had always envisioned as a vital day in my life, I missed me dad’s enthusiasm. My 1st job held no happiness for me. He never asked me about my joining, salary, work hours.. not even the location . as if it didn’t matter at all. This was the 1st time in my life when he didn’t go through my mark sheet (of my 1st yr exams) even. I had always thought that maybe due to the past event he was a bit disappointed in me and this was his way of showing it out. But still it hurts……..
Yesterday after many days dad asked about my studies and that I should try for 60% since only then can I apply for NTPC. Yesterday after many days he asked me about my joining and about the other companies where I had been applying. It came as a shock to me since I had stopped expecting that!
But today after talking to Mom, I felt very down. I don’t know how my parents are going to take in what I had said to Mom… but I had to do this or else I wouldn’t have done justice to myself. I can realize that dad will have to go through all that again, maybe I have been selfish but I couldn’t help it. I just had to do it. Give it a try. Donno how things might turn out to be but I have to give it a fight. Let’s see……. I can only hope for the best!!

life

The meaning of life is encoded into punctuations:
A semicolon here, a comma there...
somewhere a question mark or an exclamation rather,
sometimes even quotes,
but ultimately a full-stop.

Haloscan commenting and trackback have been added to this blog.

A drop of tear

A drop of tear
bear my heart script
and gives me peace
can you imagine it?
A drop of tear
writes on my lips
a ballad of life
can you study it?
A drop of tear
is my near and dear
when it comes I forget all my sorrows
can you believe it?
I know
it's only mine & mine forever.
God gave it to me & I say
it is my FRIEND...

Dreams

Am dreaming of the cool, breezy
starless nights,
As the dark clouds collide.
Of the rain-wet muddy sites,
As the sudden lightening strikes.

Of the dampened feel inside,
As the eyes meet your sight.
Of the look that gives a high,
As I lay by your side.

Am dreaming of loving you tonight!!

Adieu !!

And there I was ,
On a night of dogs and lonely blur,
Of Black clouds and forlorn winds;
Walking past life to the unknown...
Waiting to be laid once
In silence and in peace.

Like the sunset behind the hills,
As the twilight begins to gleam.
Death sneaks besides me,
As time stands by.

The heavens seem to mourn
And a faraway cry somewhere
As showers wash away
The fallen dewy leaves.

Have crossed a hundred miles,
A thousand yet to go...
The journey had just begun
And now its time to go!!

"Happy Women's Day"

Two days from today we had celebrated international women’s day. There were some TV programs where even awards have been given out to “ Sarvasreshtha Nari”. Spare me that atleast!! I am not a feminist who will start cribbing that women are not getting their due rights and so on. I am just a human being who for once has been made to think a bit.

I had been in the bus waiting at the signal on my way back from a visit to my college, when I saw this lady in the foot path sweeping the pavement. I know most of you would argue with me telling that she doesn’t deserve to be called a lady....but I am calling her so! No reason, no logic...just because my heart felt it that way!!
After she completed sweeping she cleaned up some utensils and then she served food to her children and her husband who has a stall nearby. Maybe this is how she passes her time. What caught my attention was the way she was serving...and keeping aside the remaining part of food for later consumption. I have been doinging kitchen work for a long time and no doubt in more sophisticated surroundings than this. But this lady... the way she was handling... the artistic manner in which her hands moved kept me looking at the scene for quite some time. And all of a sudden a thought flashed in my mind as to whether this lady and many others like her whose days fly by thnking what to feed the next day, are slightly aware of women’s day....will they be bothered in the first place? Will their lives...their fate change because of women’s day?
I spent women’s day with my college friends in Café Coffee Day. Somewhere, somebody has made huge cash by publicizing events for this day. But are the women really celebrating their day?
This hue-n-cry about women’s day makes me bound to think about the prostitutes. Nobody talks about them!! Why? Is it so disgusting? Are they the black shades to womanhood? I, being a girl, know how much it means to sell your body to any Tom, Dick & Harry. No person in this universe would willingly go to this field. There are provisions to makeup for lust without going for prostitution. These are the women of our society who by fate have landed up in a world of no return. If only the media had spent even a fraction of their money to publicize how a prostitute feels about this day, I think that would have been unconventional...but more real. Tell me how a prostitute who has killed the woman inside her would celebrate women’s day!!
I am still imagining how that lady on the pavement would have reacted had I got down from the bus and wished her “Happy Women’s Day”

Do we really feel anything for the women of today... any respect.....that we are up with this so called “women’s day”? Then why are still girls.even kids being raped and left alone to die. Why women are still the prey of society? Why these hollow talks about women’s lib.? What we need is to open our minds. Our outlook. And respect humans as humans. I am not against celebrations of these kinds, but they should mean some value. A journalist will make money writing loads on this issue. Hundreds of articles are being published on these matters, but either people are indifferent towards the actual gravity of the situation since nothing in their close vicinity has ever happened or they have come to terms with the fact that nothing can be done.
Today I am penning down my thoughts, and the next moment I will forget about it.
What we don’t forget are dates: father’s day, mother’s day, valentines day, women’s day and so on.........

Nostalgic...

As I walked through the wide open gates to the all too familiar building which has stood there for years, I didn’t feel any different. It was like a part of my daily routine as it used to be two years ago. There was some sort of suppressed excitement, it was the first time in these two years that I would be visiting my college. The board displayed the name “Lady Brabourne College” and I walked in. As I made my way through the gateway, I recalled my first introduction with this college.
Being born and brought up outside Kolkata (& maybe due to the fact that I disliked it and never wanted to study in this city) I was quite unaware of the fact that it was one of the best colleges in the city. It was only during one of my vacations in the city when I had come down to Park Circus for some blood tests in Repro-Med that my dad told me about this college being every girl’s dream college. At that time I had criticized my dad’s secret desire for me to be a Brabournite. As unexpected as it was, I landed up in this dream college as a Botany Hons. Student. As I walked pass the same entrance I remembered the words spoken by my dad as I had walked by his side on my first day to college. “Live in a way such that even Brabourne would be proud to have you as a part of itself.”

The same flight of stairs took me to the corridor where I had spent the three years of my graduation. Once I had looked at this corridor and longed to be a part of this college and today I was walking along it as if it belonged to me.
Everything was same here. Nothing seemed to have changed as if the hands of the clock have been turned back and I was back to my graduation days. The familiar smell of acid and stains flared my nostrils. The microscopes glared back at me and told the same old story. They needed repairing. The college gets grant from the government but I wonder why it is not utilized properly for infrastructure development. The students were still fidgeting with the microscopes since it could not be focused. I even helped one of the girls in standardization. And why not? After all I had to do it almost everyday since I could never find out my microscope... somebody or the other always took it. But wonder me, who always had problem focusing.... how could I get it right today so easily? Does passing the examination means you actually have become an expert in that? But thank god! At least my image was saved!

I had to wait in the staff room for some time as the professors were a bit busy. But that was okay for me. For the first time I didn’t mind waiting in this room. Earlier it was an agony. We all had to wait here and get the slides and the diagrams corrected. And I don’t remember a single day when any of us got them right at one shot. So today waiting here was no distress. It felt good to hear the teachers shouting at the students for dirty slides and totally vague theoretical diagrams. It was the same thing, the same dialogues...only the characters had changed. Only I was no longer at the receiving end but rather a third party who was watching the scene-play. To me they were sweet and polite, asking about my job and future plans. How I had hated them for shouting at me in the initial years!! And sections!!!! Gosh! I could never get them perfect. If it was thin then it would be oblique and if I got it straight it would be thick! Even a new sharp 7oclock blade wouldn’t help. Thank god I don’t deal with them now!

The best part was meeting with the non-teaching staff. I got a warm welcome out there. In my college days they had helped me a lot as I was a hostelite and needed frequent releases. It was good to talk to them. I even had lemon tea made on the Bunsen burner and dirtied my hands with saffranine stain. Though, to be frank it was a deliberate action on my part. I wanted to get the feel of it again...the smell, the stained hands, which had been a part of my life for three years.... that I had hated so much, now felt pleasing and soothing. The staffs were criticizing the higher authorities for their misbehavior which they had to tolerate with low pay. Employee Grievances!! Here comes HR!
Sipping the tea I gazed at the volley ball court where we used to sit at times. Some were still sitting. Some things are passed on untold. I unhesitatingly looked at the beautiful gardens and the trees that could be seen from the balcony. We had spent three years plucking plants from this garden for our taxonomy classes. And I for one doubt if, even now left alone, can identify the family, leave alone the genus. But I could always blame it on “Praine’s Language”, cant I?
I had always complained that Botany is ruining my love for nature. That it was not allowing me to appreciate God’s creation. That whenever I looked at the flowers I had to talk about the arrangements of petals, sepals, androecium and gynoecium while my mind was awed by the diversity in nature. Today nobody disturbed me as I kept gazing at the flowers and the trees. There was a strange quietness around. As if life was passing by unnoticed. So smooth ....so calm... For the first time in days I found peace. My mind was at rest. I felt tired of the race....I wanted to lie down then n there. Instead I sat on the chair and felt the serenity of the place. Maybe this was what I was looking for in the past few days. The peace of mind. I don’t remember feeling so good even when I used to study here.
I realized something. Past ... good or bad...is always peaceful. Present is lively and energy consuming while future is always confusing, uncertain and turbulent. Peace can not be found anywhere. It’s a state of mind. Its within us! We need the time and moment to feel it.
It was time to leave. I retraced my path the way I came. And as I walked down the stairs, across the gateway towards the exit, my dad’s words came back to me. I couldn’t answer that call within me for I know I have not done anything substantial in my life till now. I have to prove myself in this world. I have to come back to this place to answer that voice.

I will come back again....sometime..... maybe when I am passing by or maybe when the impulse hits me or maybe to find the moment to calm down the racing mind and feel the peace within me.
I will come again.........till then ba-bye!!

Art of Living

The first time you take it in your mouth with lot of excitement and vigor only to feel it dissolve inside & while doing so it leaves a soft n sweet feeling inside. Second time is even better, it reminds you of the previous one, taste of which is still lingering on your senses, and also brings with itself promises of the more delightful times ahead. Oh what response it initiates from you! Perfect Chemistry!!
And you crave for it more. The creamy layers with that innocent untouched unearthly look on it entices you, seduces you & you blindly follow its lead. There is just no going back. You hold it lightly, applying little pressure, its so smooth... it looks so delicate.. so soft ...& so luscious..! the desire for it is emmense...
...It yields under your feather light touch and so you pick it, stare at it innocently n give in to the desire bubbling inside you, devour it with an urgent passion- you never knew of possessing. You twist and turn it inside, tease it with your tongue, cover it with your saliva until it is completely absorbed in the process & becomes a part of you.. Heights of Passion!!

You yearn for more & grab whatever little is left. With the last look of love you take it between your lips first, kissing it the final goodbye, then forcing it deep down, relishing its soft creamy remnants for some time. The love-making has reached its climax! The desire that had been burning deep inside has been satiated..but for how long is still a question. It will keep you going till the midnight oil burns. And with the rising sun the longing for it will hit you again..and again.. till you burn yourself out with it—and then what? Fat.. Calories..Diabetes!!!
That’s what excess of pastries do to you! Sit in their confectionary shops & lures you till you can no longer resist a soft bite of its... the more you have, the more you want.
They make you long for it... even creep in your dreams... like it has done to me..
I am not allowed to have it..but can only dream about it.
Well thats what life is all about... dreaming about all that you can not have..!!!