The first time you take it in your mouth with lot of excitement and vigor only to feel it dissolve inside & while doing so it leaves a soft n sweet feeling inside. Second time is even better, it reminds you of the previous one, taste of which is still lingering on your senses, and also brings with itself promises of the more delightful times ahead. Oh what response it initiates from you! Perfect Chemistry!!
And you crave for it more. The creamy layers with that innocent untouched unearthly look on it entices you, seduces you & you blindly follow its lead. There is just no going back. You hold it lightly, applying little pressure, its so smooth... it looks so delicate.. so soft ...& so luscious..! the desire for it is emmense...
...It yields under your feather light touch and so you pick it, stare at it innocently n give in to the desire bubbling inside you, devour it with an urgent passion- you never knew of possessing. You twist and turn it inside, tease it with your tongue, cover it with your saliva until it is completely absorbed in the process & becomes a part of you.. Heights of Passion!!
You yearn for more & grab whatever little is left. With the last look of love you take it between your lips first, kissing it the final goodbye, then forcing it deep down, relishing its soft creamy remnants for some time. The love-making has reached its climax! The desire that had been burning deep inside has been satiated..but for how long is still a question. It will keep you going till the midnight oil burns. And with the rising sun the longing for it will hit you again..and again.. till you burn yourself out with it—and then what? Fat.. Calories..Diabetes!!!
That’s what excess of pastries do to you! Sit in their confectionary shops & lures you till you can no longer resist a soft bite of its... the more you have, the more you want.
They make you long for it... even creep in your dreams... like it has done to me..
I am not allowed to have it..but can only dream about it.
Well thats what life is all about... dreaming about all that you can not have..!!!
Monday, February 14, 2005
Thursday, February 10, 2005
The Lady in White
She would look directly at your face.... a blank look... and it perturbs you. Is it the cataract that gives it a gleam or do I detect a film of tears in her eyes? The white that she is wearing has faded away but she prefers it that way ‘coz her younger daughter gave it or was it the elder one.. I don’t remember, but she does!! Even the color of her hair matches.. a dirty white... makes me wonder was it ever black ? I wonder how many folds does that skin on her hand have? The cheekbones seem to protrude out her face.. a pale look.. so morose! Its only the eyes that catches your attention.. the unvarying blank look in them....!
The earliest memories of my grandmother (“mamma” as I generally call her) is that of a lady with a hunch.. wearing white, with a red border when grandfather was alive and after that other borders, specially blue/ green... worn in the “colloquial bangali” style. Ask her for any help and she would be more than obliged to do it for you. She would climb the stairs almost 10 times in every two hours.. a task that none of us in the family likes to do except her. So if u have to get anything from upstairs, relax!...she would get it for you. Others say that she must have been very good looking at her times but I don’t understand the logic behind that statement. What beauty could that face ever possess..? The jutting chin and the cheekbones hits your eyes first. The face is weird...sans teeth..Nothing special at all...
She would irritate the hell out of you with her babbles. She has achieved several titles over the years (of course by me n my bro.. who else can do such honour!)..1st it was “water- tank” since she would constantly ask us to drink loads of water.. then it was “question-bank” to describe her never-ending questions on each n every issue, relevant or not. There were many more.. and the current update is “president” since she passes her time (and also ours) by worrying about the entire world. I wish our leaders had possessed a fraction of her skills!!
Energy..never ending. I would get tired looking at her energetic ways.
What would make her happy? Work... specially cooking. As the family story goes she once got annoyed with my mom since the latter would do the major part of kitchen-work all by herself..! The moment my mom came to know about it she gladly did what she had been wanting to do herself for quite some time.. she handed the entire kitchen work to my granny and busied her days with “addas over coffee cups”. Everybody considers my granny to be the ideal ‘saas’... not at all fussy. (I wish I would get one like her).
When we were kids she would carry me on her side, take my brother on his tricycle and go out for stroll in the evenings. Ask her whom she loves the most amongst all her grandchildren..she would name me n my bro. Push her to be more specific and she would gladly say its my bro since he is the 1st child n that also a male one. She never seemed to mind my knowing this fact (not that I mind).
And when its storytime ..dare you stop her! She is always ready with her “desher golpo” ..stories n gossips from her past life in the then-united Bangladesh. These would include dacoits..to Raja-Ranis to ghosts. She is a great believer of ghosts. Says she had heard them sing too though has never seen them with her own eyes. She can even recite how ghosts talk. And worse is when she talks the colloquial ‘bangal’ language. She says that when she dies she would return as a “bhoot” to prove that ghosts exist. (Grt joke isn’t it?)
She used to love movies like anything.. would tell me that she would be satisfied on her death-bed if I let her see an action movie!
But now things have changed.. the movies no longer appeal to her. She is busy in her own world of fantasy. Everyday she seems to age more. Her length has reduced to half. The bones seem to be so weak. There are hollows on her face.. the eyes once so cheerful, has now sunk back into their sockets. She tries to hold back onto the past... but all in vain... Her world is now restricted to her clothes and her youngest son. She is always busy counting the number of saris and blouses she has. You will feel she is mad.. but this madness always comes with old age. Now she cant afford to walk that much.. gets tired easily. She generally sits on a chair beside the window, wearing an old sari, as she feels she must keep the fresh ones for the time when she goes out.. who dares to explain that she hardly goes out of the house ?
She simply sits there with her eyes focused on something that none of us can see.. I wonder if she can see it too! She would look up sometimes to see if anybody is watching her or not. But nobody does. All of us are so busy and its not our fault ( is it?) if she speaks the wrong things at the wrong moments and we loose our temper! Then her eyes would fill up with tears and she would rub it off with the corner of her sari and continue to stare at us. And that would make you feel guilty.
But are we to be blamed if we don’t have time to spare with her.. obviously not. Life is so fast.. how can we afford that? Or can we? After all what shall I talk with her. Whenever I get ready for my college she stands and looks at me.. then passes a comment. A stern look from me stops her. Never mind if this comment had come from my friends..but not her..! She is happy to see the family get-togethers... never mind if she is left out. She misses her husband--my grandfather. Often cries out to him and asks him to take her away with him..but he doesn’t seem to listen. She, unlike us, never hides her loneliness. Hide it from whom actually? Nobody is actually bothered. So she remains in the house... day long... all alone. She has, with her, the memories of the past 85 (or 87 maybe)years with her. She remains engrossed in her world of memories... good and bad.
And so she sits back again. The blank look is back. Sometimes she would look up hoping to get a look of recognition from somewhere...and she still keeps up that hope ..that someday someone might recognize her and return a bit of love that she earlier had so earnestly distributed amongst others. She presents the perfect picturesque model.. and yes she is still good-looking... all in white...a sad look in her eyes.. the tears which unknowingly roll down her cheeks, going down as they traverse along the cheekbones, and ends at her thin soft lips.. some go beyond. The years have not stolen her soft look..a look so full of love.
She is so absorbed that she hardly notices me watching! Watching and thinking if this is the future that all of us are heading towards. She waits for love to come her way.. she waits for her final day! Wish I could tell her that she need not look far for love... its there with all of us.. we just dont end up showing it. Wish I could tell her that for me-- she is my lady and will always remain so!
The earliest memories of my grandmother (“mamma” as I generally call her) is that of a lady with a hunch.. wearing white, with a red border when grandfather was alive and after that other borders, specially blue/ green... worn in the “colloquial bangali” style. Ask her for any help and she would be more than obliged to do it for you. She would climb the stairs almost 10 times in every two hours.. a task that none of us in the family likes to do except her. So if u have to get anything from upstairs, relax!...she would get it for you. Others say that she must have been very good looking at her times but I don’t understand the logic behind that statement. What beauty could that face ever possess..? The jutting chin and the cheekbones hits your eyes first. The face is weird...sans teeth..Nothing special at all...
She would irritate the hell out of you with her babbles. She has achieved several titles over the years (of course by me n my bro.. who else can do such honour!)..1st it was “water- tank” since she would constantly ask us to drink loads of water.. then it was “question-bank” to describe her never-ending questions on each n every issue, relevant or not. There were many more.. and the current update is “president” since she passes her time (and also ours) by worrying about the entire world. I wish our leaders had possessed a fraction of her skills!!
Energy..never ending. I would get tired looking at her energetic ways.
What would make her happy? Work... specially cooking. As the family story goes she once got annoyed with my mom since the latter would do the major part of kitchen-work all by herself..! The moment my mom came to know about it she gladly did what she had been wanting to do herself for quite some time.. she handed the entire kitchen work to my granny and busied her days with “addas over coffee cups”. Everybody considers my granny to be the ideal ‘saas’... not at all fussy. (I wish I would get one like her).
When we were kids she would carry me on her side, take my brother on his tricycle and go out for stroll in the evenings. Ask her whom she loves the most amongst all her grandchildren..she would name me n my bro. Push her to be more specific and she would gladly say its my bro since he is the 1st child n that also a male one. She never seemed to mind my knowing this fact (not that I mind).
And when its storytime ..dare you stop her! She is always ready with her “desher golpo” ..stories n gossips from her past life in the then-united Bangladesh. These would include dacoits..to Raja-Ranis to ghosts. She is a great believer of ghosts. Says she had heard them sing too though has never seen them with her own eyes. She can even recite how ghosts talk. And worse is when she talks the colloquial ‘bangal’ language. She says that when she dies she would return as a “bhoot” to prove that ghosts exist. (Grt joke isn’t it?)
She used to love movies like anything.. would tell me that she would be satisfied on her death-bed if I let her see an action movie!
But now things have changed.. the movies no longer appeal to her. She is busy in her own world of fantasy. Everyday she seems to age more. Her length has reduced to half. The bones seem to be so weak. There are hollows on her face.. the eyes once so cheerful, has now sunk back into their sockets. She tries to hold back onto the past... but all in vain... Her world is now restricted to her clothes and her youngest son. She is always busy counting the number of saris and blouses she has. You will feel she is mad.. but this madness always comes with old age. Now she cant afford to walk that much.. gets tired easily. She generally sits on a chair beside the window, wearing an old sari, as she feels she must keep the fresh ones for the time when she goes out.. who dares to explain that she hardly goes out of the house ?
She simply sits there with her eyes focused on something that none of us can see.. I wonder if she can see it too! She would look up sometimes to see if anybody is watching her or not. But nobody does. All of us are so busy and its not our fault ( is it?) if she speaks the wrong things at the wrong moments and we loose our temper! Then her eyes would fill up with tears and she would rub it off with the corner of her sari and continue to stare at us. And that would make you feel guilty.
But are we to be blamed if we don’t have time to spare with her.. obviously not. Life is so fast.. how can we afford that? Or can we? After all what shall I talk with her. Whenever I get ready for my college she stands and looks at me.. then passes a comment. A stern look from me stops her. Never mind if this comment had come from my friends..but not her..! She is happy to see the family get-togethers... never mind if she is left out. She misses her husband--my grandfather. Often cries out to him and asks him to take her away with him..but he doesn’t seem to listen. She, unlike us, never hides her loneliness. Hide it from whom actually? Nobody is actually bothered. So she remains in the house... day long... all alone. She has, with her, the memories of the past 85 (or 87 maybe)years with her. She remains engrossed in her world of memories... good and bad.
And so she sits back again. The blank look is back. Sometimes she would look up hoping to get a look of recognition from somewhere...and she still keeps up that hope ..that someday someone might recognize her and return a bit of love that she earlier had so earnestly distributed amongst others. She presents the perfect picturesque model.. and yes she is still good-looking... all in white...a sad look in her eyes.. the tears which unknowingly roll down her cheeks, going down as they traverse along the cheekbones, and ends at her thin soft lips.. some go beyond. The years have not stolen her soft look..a look so full of love.
She is so absorbed that she hardly notices me watching! Watching and thinking if this is the future that all of us are heading towards. She waits for love to come her way.. she waits for her final day! Wish I could tell her that she need not look far for love... its there with all of us.. we just dont end up showing it. Wish I could tell her that for me-- she is my lady and will always remain so!
Wednesday, February 02, 2005
lines to remember.....
- Death... just one time,
Creep inside me and give me a kiss,
Or grant me a hangover at least...
Give me the pain, the darkness
The road to the unknown...
All I want is to walk away.... - (-unknown-)
- When the dreams come true...
When the hearts get through...
All I need is your silence to take me through!!
(- joy/14.01.05/11:58 pm-) - to do or to say what u believe, the thoughts beyond ur imagination,
the love beyond eternity, the choice u make in ur heart,
the desire u never commnicate...
life is, but a game u hav to play till u stay
till then u, me and many more... - (- joy/27.01.05/11:10 pm)
- when i wud cry in my future for u, ur smile will bring my hapiness back...
when i wud feel restless, ur dreams will bring me peace
when i wud remember to forget u, ur smell wud travel across to me
this will be my life without u!! - (-joy/27.01.05/11:21 pm)
will sleep again!
Its raining hard .... I can hear the falling raindrops from inside.. its falling on the tin car-shade and making a harsh sound... it seems as if hell has broken loose... it must be chilling outside .
The satin sheets are cold like ice and when it touches the warmth of the body, it gives me shivers.. It will be warm soon... the blanket will make sure of it.. It seems a perfect night is awaiting me... cozy....warm...silky...the sounds outside provides the music. That’s why I have switched off the FM....The ceiling fan seems to fade away...the eyelids are so heavy.....how relaxing it is to close your eyes...and so do I do..
The music is still there.., the ceiling fan has vanished.. Instead it has come....the face, the image that has now become a part of me. Its always there with me wherever I go.. it peeps or smiles and even criticizes me.. I talk with it..love to see the smile and hear its voice.. Wat shall I call it.. “my friend of darkness”..? “it” is a better word.. I prefer using that!
It has come again....it always does. Meets me at this place every night...how close it is. I can touch it. It never shies away....it hears everything, the spoken n the unspoken words too...It has now become the closest thing to me... and I can see the twinkle in its eyes which promises me of togetherness, come what may... and I believe it......... IT IS THERE TO STAY!! It plays with me.. touches me .. caresses me, cuddles me. Sometimes hides away from me ..only to come back again....I am happy.......and satisfied too..I have it with me...
Wat was that noise? Its still drizzling out..... I can faintly see the ceiling fan above me.. I search for my cell phone which must be beside my pillow, thats where I keep it...a look at it and the time shows “03.14am”. Plenty of time to sleep again and I close my eyes...
It is still there, patiently waiting for me... gives me a mock smile... I enjoy it...have started enjoying every act of “my friend of darkness”. Am deeply aware of every motion of its. I wonder why I am never tired of looking at it.. every time is a new experience and every time I fall more in love with it...deep.....intense.....strong!
I have to take out my hand from the warmth of the blanket or else the shrilling sound will eat me up! It must be the alarm...goodness! Its really irritating! The lovely music of the night before is no more there, but the clouds in the sky are a constant reminder.
Its so warm inside the blanket but as I stretch my legs, I realize how icy the sheets are! I can still doze off for a minute or two till the bed tea is served and then the day has to begin again..! College ....WOW! (College.. uff! That was how it used to be earlier!). But now things have changed. I get to meet him there.. so it has to be the best place for me. I spend the major part of my day there with him. Either in the classroom, or in the canteen.. or on the terrace, or in coffee house and sometimes at Food Station too. He is so similar to my night friend. He listens to me.. to whatever shit I have to talk..calls me his baby, his girl.......how similar both are!! The more I stay with him the more I want to.. I am never satisfied... I seem to want more of him everyday... when the time comes to get back to home, its worse.. I wish I could hold on to him...but I know that’s not feasible... so we part with the hope that we meet again online...and so we do. From here starts the game of chatting and voice chat.. thanx to the technology.. I can see him if I want to thru his webcam too, but I don’t need to , my imagination is strong enough.
Night falls.... have to go to bed.. we bid each other goodbyes.. and he signs out. For quite a few moments I keep staring at the monitor.. missing his presence.. go through our conversation again.... and then sign out myself to prepare for bed..
Bed..! night.. sleep! Wonderful.. it must be waiting for me again.. have to rush.....its time!
And there it comes...as it always does..smiling and with open arms. It waits for me the entire day to welcome me with all its heart.
It will always remain so..my heart tells me so..
Years down the line when I no more have the time to listen to the falling raindrops..when I no longer feel the warmth of the blanket, when I don’t have to go to college ..no canteens, no adda, no cups of coffee on the terrace, no coffeehouse no foodstation visits.........When tired of the ‘office’ life I look out for something-- only to get a vacuum . I know it will still be there..that face, that image, that smile, that caress...
it might touch me lightly even, but it will....
It will still listen to me when I have lost the energy to talk..
It will remind me of those cozy...warm... silky nights..
of the smile that was there in broad day light..
of the hand that touched me..
of the heart that loved me.
... and I will be happy again!! I will be his girl again. I will forget everything and sleep again!
The satin sheets are cold like ice and when it touches the warmth of the body, it gives me shivers.. It will be warm soon... the blanket will make sure of it.. It seems a perfect night is awaiting me... cozy....warm...silky...the sounds outside provides the music. That’s why I have switched off the FM....The ceiling fan seems to fade away...the eyelids are so heavy.....how relaxing it is to close your eyes...and so do I do..
The music is still there.., the ceiling fan has vanished.. Instead it has come....the face, the image that has now become a part of me. Its always there with me wherever I go.. it peeps or smiles and even criticizes me.. I talk with it..love to see the smile and hear its voice.. Wat shall I call it.. “my friend of darkness”..? “it” is a better word.. I prefer using that!
It has come again....it always does. Meets me at this place every night...how close it is. I can touch it. It never shies away....it hears everything, the spoken n the unspoken words too...It has now become the closest thing to me... and I can see the twinkle in its eyes which promises me of togetherness, come what may... and I believe it......... IT IS THERE TO STAY!! It plays with me.. touches me .. caresses me, cuddles me. Sometimes hides away from me ..only to come back again....I am happy.......and satisfied too..I have it with me...
Wat was that noise? Its still drizzling out..... I can faintly see the ceiling fan above me.. I search for my cell phone which must be beside my pillow, thats where I keep it...a look at it and the time shows “03.14am”. Plenty of time to sleep again and I close my eyes...
It is still there, patiently waiting for me... gives me a mock smile... I enjoy it...have started enjoying every act of “my friend of darkness”. Am deeply aware of every motion of its. I wonder why I am never tired of looking at it.. every time is a new experience and every time I fall more in love with it...deep.....intense.....strong!
I have to take out my hand from the warmth of the blanket or else the shrilling sound will eat me up! It must be the alarm...goodness! Its really irritating! The lovely music of the night before is no more there, but the clouds in the sky are a constant reminder.
Its so warm inside the blanket but as I stretch my legs, I realize how icy the sheets are! I can still doze off for a minute or two till the bed tea is served and then the day has to begin again..! College ....WOW! (College.. uff! That was how it used to be earlier!). But now things have changed. I get to meet him there.. so it has to be the best place for me. I spend the major part of my day there with him. Either in the classroom, or in the canteen.. or on the terrace, or in coffee house and sometimes at Food Station too. He is so similar to my night friend. He listens to me.. to whatever shit I have to talk..calls me his baby, his girl.......how similar both are!! The more I stay with him the more I want to.. I am never satisfied... I seem to want more of him everyday... when the time comes to get back to home, its worse.. I wish I could hold on to him...but I know that’s not feasible... so we part with the hope that we meet again online...and so we do. From here starts the game of chatting and voice chat.. thanx to the technology.. I can see him if I want to thru his webcam too, but I don’t need to , my imagination is strong enough.
Night falls.... have to go to bed.. we bid each other goodbyes.. and he signs out. For quite a few moments I keep staring at the monitor.. missing his presence.. go through our conversation again.... and then sign out myself to prepare for bed..
Bed..! night.. sleep! Wonderful.. it must be waiting for me again.. have to rush.....its time!
And there it comes...as it always does..smiling and with open arms. It waits for me the entire day to welcome me with all its heart.
It will always remain so..my heart tells me so..
Years down the line when I no more have the time to listen to the falling raindrops..when I no longer feel the warmth of the blanket, when I don’t have to go to college ..no canteens, no adda, no cups of coffee on the terrace, no coffeehouse no foodstation visits.........When tired of the ‘office’ life I look out for something-- only to get a vacuum . I know it will still be there..that face, that image, that smile, that caress...
it might touch me lightly even, but it will....
It will still listen to me when I have lost the energy to talk..
It will remind me of those cozy...warm... silky nights..
of the smile that was there in broad day light..
of the hand that touched me..
of the heart that loved me.
... and I will be happy again!! I will be his girl again. I will forget everything and sleep again!
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