disillusionment

I had always thought that my 1st job, my first salary, will be special to me. It will be a step into the independent world which will take me towards being a more wholesome person. When the placement process in my institute began and the first 2 candidates got placed , I had wondered how it would feel when I too will get placed, how happy my family will be, and I had actually visualized myself of giving them the news and their overjoyed screams had already reached my ears.. But when the actual thing did happen it was nothing near to the way I had thought it to be.
It was no big company and in fact when I got the offer I really gave it a second thought, am I not losing other chances? Did I deserve something better? Is the salary too low as compared to others? And amidst theses queries I didn’t find the joy I was supposed to find. On informing my family there, too, was no flow of over joy, dad was not well(obviously after the bomb-shell that I dropped last month, it will take him some time to recover). Mom did congratulate me but somehow, even though I tried not to get it, I could feel the indifferent attitude in their voice. Maybe they were happy or sort of relieved but somehow it wasn’t the one of the happiest moments as I had wanted it to be… the wishes sounded so formal. Maybe they had expected something better.
Even as the days passed, and I thought that mom and dad would at some time refer to my job, the waited moment never came. Dad came, visited me, stayed with me, was concerned even when I had measles, but never referred to my job ever. I had always wanted to be a doctor, but due to some unavoidable circumstances, I never could go for it, though I got an offer since it would have meant huge costs. My dad was one person who always encouraged us for higher studies, he is the person from whom I gotta know about this HRM course and he has played a pivotal role in my life always, but that day which I had always envisioned as a vital day in my life, I missed me dad’s enthusiasm. My 1st job held no happiness for me. He never asked me about my joining, salary, work hours.. not even the location . as if it didn’t matter at all. This was the 1st time in my life when he didn’t go through my mark sheet (of my 1st yr exams) even. I had always thought that maybe due to the past event he was a bit disappointed in me and this was his way of showing it out. But still it hurts……..
Yesterday after many days dad asked about my studies and that I should try for 60% since only then can I apply for NTPC. Yesterday after many days he asked me about my joining and about the other companies where I had been applying. It came as a shock to me since I had stopped expecting that!
But today after talking to Mom, I felt very down. I don’t know how my parents are going to take in what I had said to Mom… but I had to do this or else I wouldn’t have done justice to myself. I can realize that dad will have to go through all that again, maybe I have been selfish but I couldn’t help it. I just had to do it. Give it a try. Donno how things might turn out to be but I have to give it a fight. Let’s see……. I can only hope for the best!!