I had always thought that my 1st job, my first salary, will be special to me. It will be a step into the independent world which will take me towards being a more wholesome person. When the placement process in my institute began and the first 2 candidates got placed , I had wondered how it would feel when I too will get placed, how happy my family will be, and I had actually visualized myself of giving them the news and their overjoyed screams had already reached my ears.. But when the actual thing did happen it was nothing near to the way I had thought it to be.
It was no big company and in fact when I got the offer I really gave it a second thought, am I not losing other chances? Did I deserve something better? Is the salary too low as compared to others? And amidst theses queries I didn’t find the joy I was supposed to find. On informing my family there, too, was no flow of over joy, dad was not well(obviously after the bomb-shell that I dropped last month, it will take him some time to recover). Mom did congratulate me but somehow, even though I tried not to get it, I could feel the indifferent attitude in their voice. Maybe they were happy or sort of relieved but somehow it wasn’t the one of the happiest moments as I had wanted it to be… the wishes sounded so formal. Maybe they had expected something better.
Even as the days passed, and I thought that mom and dad would at some time refer to my job, the waited moment never came. Dad came, visited me, stayed with me, was concerned even when I had measles, but never referred to my job ever. I had always wanted to be a doctor, but due to some unavoidable circumstances, I never could go for it, though I got an offer since it would have meant huge costs. My dad was one person who always encouraged us for higher studies, he is the person from whom I gotta know about this HRM course and he has played a pivotal role in my life always, but that day which I had always envisioned as a vital day in my life, I missed me dad’s enthusiasm. My 1st job held no happiness for me. He never asked me about my joining, salary, work hours.. not even the location . as if it didn’t matter at all. This was the 1st time in my life when he didn’t go through my mark sheet (of my 1st yr exams) even. I had always thought that maybe due to the past event he was a bit disappointed in me and this was his way of showing it out. But still it hurts……..
Yesterday after many days dad asked about my studies and that I should try for 60% since only then can I apply for NTPC. Yesterday after many days he asked me about my joining and about the other companies where I had been applying. It came as a shock to me since I had stopped expecting that!
But today after talking to Mom, I felt very down. I don’t know how my parents are going to take in what I had said to Mom… but I had to do this or else I wouldn’t have done justice to myself. I can realize that dad will have to go through all that again, maybe I have been selfish but I couldn’t help it. I just had to do it. Give it a try. Donno how things might turn out to be but I have to give it a fight. Let’s see……. I can only hope for the best!!
Thursday, March 31, 2005
Wednesday, March 30, 2005
life
The meaning of life is encoded into punctuations:
A semicolon here, a comma there...
somewhere a question mark or an exclamation rather,
sometimes even quotes,
but ultimately a full-stop.
A semicolon here, a comma there...
somewhere a question mark or an exclamation rather,
sometimes even quotes,
but ultimately a full-stop.
Sunday, March 27, 2005
Saturday, March 19, 2005
A drop of tear
A drop of tear
bear my heart script
and gives me peace
can you imagine it?
A drop of tear
writes on my lips
a ballad of life
can you study it?
A drop of tear
is my near and dear
when it comes I forget all my sorrows
can you believe it?
I know
it's only mine & mine forever.
God gave it to me & I say
it is my FRIEND...
bear my heart script
and gives me peace
can you imagine it?
A drop of tear
writes on my lips
a ballad of life
can you study it?
A drop of tear
is my near and dear
when it comes I forget all my sorrows
can you believe it?
I know
it's only mine & mine forever.
God gave it to me & I say
it is my FRIEND...
Saturday, March 12, 2005
Dreams
Am dreaming of the cool, breezy
starless nights,
As the dark clouds collide.
Of the rain-wet muddy sites,
As the sudden lightening strikes.
Of the dampened feel inside,
As the eyes meet your sight.
Of the look that gives a high,
As I lay by your side.
Am dreaming of loving you tonight!!
starless nights,
As the dark clouds collide.
Of the rain-wet muddy sites,
As the sudden lightening strikes.
Of the dampened feel inside,
As the eyes meet your sight.
Of the look that gives a high,
As I lay by your side.
Am dreaming of loving you tonight!!
Friday, March 11, 2005
Adieu !!
And there I was ,
On a night of dogs and lonely blur,
Of Black clouds and forlorn winds;
Walking past life to the unknown...
Waiting to be laid once
In silence and in peace.
Like the sunset behind the hills,
As the twilight begins to gleam.
Death sneaks besides me,
As time stands by.
The heavens seem to mourn
And a faraway cry somewhere
As showers wash away
The fallen dewy leaves.
Have crossed a hundred miles,
A thousand yet to go...
The journey had just begun
And now its time to go!!
On a night of dogs and lonely blur,
Of Black clouds and forlorn winds;
Walking past life to the unknown...
Waiting to be laid once
In silence and in peace.
Like the sunset behind the hills,
As the twilight begins to gleam.
Death sneaks besides me,
As time stands by.
The heavens seem to mourn
And a faraway cry somewhere
As showers wash away
The fallen dewy leaves.
Have crossed a hundred miles,
A thousand yet to go...
The journey had just begun
And now its time to go!!
Thursday, March 10, 2005
"Happy Women's Day"
Two days from today we had celebrated international women’s day. There were some TV programs where even awards have been given out to “ Sarvasreshtha Nari”. Spare me that atleast!! I am not a feminist who will start cribbing that women are not getting their due rights and so on. I am just a human being who for once has been made to think a bit.
I had been in the bus waiting at the signal on my way back from a visit to my college, when I saw this lady in the foot path sweeping the pavement. I know most of you would argue with me telling that she doesn’t deserve to be called a lady....but I am calling her so! No reason, no logic...just because my heart felt it that way!!
After she completed sweeping she cleaned up some utensils and then she served food to her children and her husband who has a stall nearby. Maybe this is how she passes her time. What caught my attention was the way she was serving...and keeping aside the remaining part of food for later consumption. I have been doinging kitchen work for a long time and no doubt in more sophisticated surroundings than this. But this lady... the way she was handling... the artistic manner in which her hands moved kept me looking at the scene for quite some time. And all of a sudden a thought flashed in my mind as to whether this lady and many others like her whose days fly by thnking what to feed the next day, are slightly aware of women’s day....will they be bothered in the first place? Will their lives...their fate change because of women’s day?
I spent women’s day with my college friends in Café Coffee Day. Somewhere, somebody has made huge cash by publicizing events for this day. But are the women really celebrating their day?
This hue-n-cry about women’s day makes me bound to think about the prostitutes. Nobody talks about them!! Why? Is it so disgusting? Are they the black shades to womanhood? I, being a girl, know how much it means to sell your body to any Tom, Dick & Harry. No person in this universe would willingly go to this field. There are provisions to makeup for lust without going for prostitution. These are the women of our society who by fate have landed up in a world of no return. If only the media had spent even a fraction of their money to publicize how a prostitute feels about this day, I think that would have been unconventional...but more real. Tell me how a prostitute who has killed the woman inside her would celebrate women’s day!!
I am still imagining how that lady on the pavement would have reacted had I got down from the bus and wished her “Happy Women’s Day”
Do we really feel anything for the women of today... any respect.....that we are up with this so called “women’s day”? Then why are still girls.even kids being raped and left alone to die. Why women are still the prey of society? Why these hollow talks about women’s lib.? What we need is to open our minds. Our outlook. And respect humans as humans. I am not against celebrations of these kinds, but they should mean some value. A journalist will make money writing loads on this issue. Hundreds of articles are being published on these matters, but either people are indifferent towards the actual gravity of the situation since nothing in their close vicinity has ever happened or they have come to terms with the fact that nothing can be done.
Today I am penning down my thoughts, and the next moment I will forget about it.
What we don’t forget are dates: father’s day, mother’s day, valentines day, women’s day and so on.........
I had been in the bus waiting at the signal on my way back from a visit to my college, when I saw this lady in the foot path sweeping the pavement. I know most of you would argue with me telling that she doesn’t deserve to be called a lady....but I am calling her so! No reason, no logic...just because my heart felt it that way!!
After she completed sweeping she cleaned up some utensils and then she served food to her children and her husband who has a stall nearby. Maybe this is how she passes her time. What caught my attention was the way she was serving...and keeping aside the remaining part of food for later consumption. I have been doinging kitchen work for a long time and no doubt in more sophisticated surroundings than this. But this lady... the way she was handling... the artistic manner in which her hands moved kept me looking at the scene for quite some time. And all of a sudden a thought flashed in my mind as to whether this lady and many others like her whose days fly by thnking what to feed the next day, are slightly aware of women’s day....will they be bothered in the first place? Will their lives...their fate change because of women’s day?
I spent women’s day with my college friends in Café Coffee Day. Somewhere, somebody has made huge cash by publicizing events for this day. But are the women really celebrating their day?
This hue-n-cry about women’s day makes me bound to think about the prostitutes. Nobody talks about them!! Why? Is it so disgusting? Are they the black shades to womanhood? I, being a girl, know how much it means to sell your body to any Tom, Dick & Harry. No person in this universe would willingly go to this field. There are provisions to makeup for lust without going for prostitution. These are the women of our society who by fate have landed up in a world of no return. If only the media had spent even a fraction of their money to publicize how a prostitute feels about this day, I think that would have been unconventional...but more real. Tell me how a prostitute who has killed the woman inside her would celebrate women’s day!!
I am still imagining how that lady on the pavement would have reacted had I got down from the bus and wished her “Happy Women’s Day”
Do we really feel anything for the women of today... any respect.....that we are up with this so called “women’s day”? Then why are still girls.even kids being raped and left alone to die. Why women are still the prey of society? Why these hollow talks about women’s lib.? What we need is to open our minds. Our outlook. And respect humans as humans. I am not against celebrations of these kinds, but they should mean some value. A journalist will make money writing loads on this issue. Hundreds of articles are being published on these matters, but either people are indifferent towards the actual gravity of the situation since nothing in their close vicinity has ever happened or they have come to terms with the fact that nothing can be done.
Today I am penning down my thoughts, and the next moment I will forget about it.
What we don’t forget are dates: father’s day, mother’s day, valentines day, women’s day and so on.........
Nostalgic...
As I walked through the wide open gates to the all too familiar building which has stood there for years, I didn’t feel any different. It was like a part of my daily routine as it used to be two years ago. There was some sort of suppressed excitement, it was the first time in these two years that I would be visiting my college. The board displayed the name “Lady Brabourne College” and I walked in. As I made my way through the gateway, I recalled my first introduction with this college.
Being born and brought up outside Kolkata (& maybe due to the fact that I disliked it and never wanted to study in this city) I was quite unaware of the fact that it was one of the best colleges in the city. It was only during one of my vacations in the city when I had come down to Park Circus for some blood tests in Repro-Med that my dad told me about this college being every girl’s dream college. At that time I had criticized my dad’s secret desire for me to be a Brabournite. As unexpected as it was, I landed up in this dream college as a Botany Hons. Student. As I walked pass the same entrance I remembered the words spoken by my dad as I had walked by his side on my first day to college. “Live in a way such that even Brabourne would be proud to have you as a part of itself.”
The same flight of stairs took me to the corridor where I had spent the three years of my graduation. Once I had looked at this corridor and longed to be a part of this college and today I was walking along it as if it belonged to me.
Everything was same here. Nothing seemed to have changed as if the hands of the clock have been turned back and I was back to my graduation days. The familiar smell of acid and stains flared my nostrils. The microscopes glared back at me and told the same old story. They needed repairing. The college gets grant from the government but I wonder why it is not utilized properly for infrastructure development. The students were still fidgeting with the microscopes since it could not be focused. I even helped one of the girls in standardization. And why not? After all I had to do it almost everyday since I could never find out my microscope... somebody or the other always took it. But wonder me, who always had problem focusing.... how could I get it right today so easily? Does passing the examination means you actually have become an expert in that? But thank god! At least my image was saved!
I had to wait in the staff room for some time as the professors were a bit busy. But that was okay for me. For the first time I didn’t mind waiting in this room. Earlier it was an agony. We all had to wait here and get the slides and the diagrams corrected. And I don’t remember a single day when any of us got them right at one shot. So today waiting here was no distress. It felt good to hear the teachers shouting at the students for dirty slides and totally vague theoretical diagrams. It was the same thing, the same dialogues...only the characters had changed. Only I was no longer at the receiving end but rather a third party who was watching the scene-play. To me they were sweet and polite, asking about my job and future plans. How I had hated them for shouting at me in the initial years!! And sections!!!! Gosh! I could never get them perfect. If it was thin then it would be oblique and if I got it straight it would be thick! Even a new sharp 7oclock blade wouldn’t help. Thank god I don’t deal with them now!
The best part was meeting with the non-teaching staff. I got a warm welcome out there. In my college days they had helped me a lot as I was a hostelite and needed frequent releases. It was good to talk to them. I even had lemon tea made on the Bunsen burner and dirtied my hands with saffranine stain. Though, to be frank it was a deliberate action on my part. I wanted to get the feel of it again...the smell, the stained hands, which had been a part of my life for three years.... that I had hated so much, now felt pleasing and soothing. The staffs were criticizing the higher authorities for their misbehavior which they had to tolerate with low pay. Employee Grievances!! Here comes HR!
Sipping the tea I gazed at the volley ball court where we used to sit at times. Some were still sitting. Some things are passed on untold. I unhesitatingly looked at the beautiful gardens and the trees that could be seen from the balcony. We had spent three years plucking plants from this garden for our taxonomy classes. And I for one doubt if, even now left alone, can identify the family, leave alone the genus. But I could always blame it on “Praine’s Language”, cant I?
I had always complained that Botany is ruining my love for nature. That it was not allowing me to appreciate God’s creation. That whenever I looked at the flowers I had to talk about the arrangements of petals, sepals, androecium and gynoecium while my mind was awed by the diversity in nature. Today nobody disturbed me as I kept gazing at the flowers and the trees. There was a strange quietness around. As if life was passing by unnoticed. So smooth ....so calm... For the first time in days I found peace. My mind was at rest. I felt tired of the race....I wanted to lie down then n there. Instead I sat on the chair and felt the serenity of the place. Maybe this was what I was looking for in the past few days. The peace of mind. I don’t remember feeling so good even when I used to study here.
I realized something. Past ... good or bad...is always peaceful. Present is lively and energy consuming while future is always confusing, uncertain and turbulent. Peace can not be found anywhere. It’s a state of mind. Its within us! We need the time and moment to feel it.
It was time to leave. I retraced my path the way I came. And as I walked down the stairs, across the gateway towards the exit, my dad’s words came back to me. I couldn’t answer that call within me for I know I have not done anything substantial in my life till now. I have to prove myself in this world. I have to come back to this place to answer that voice.
I will come back again....sometime..... maybe when I am passing by or maybe when the impulse hits me or maybe to find the moment to calm down the racing mind and feel the peace within me.
I will come again.........till then ba-bye!!
Being born and brought up outside Kolkata (& maybe due to the fact that I disliked it and never wanted to study in this city) I was quite unaware of the fact that it was one of the best colleges in the city. It was only during one of my vacations in the city when I had come down to Park Circus for some blood tests in Repro-Med that my dad told me about this college being every girl’s dream college. At that time I had criticized my dad’s secret desire for me to be a Brabournite. As unexpected as it was, I landed up in this dream college as a Botany Hons. Student. As I walked pass the same entrance I remembered the words spoken by my dad as I had walked by his side on my first day to college. “Live in a way such that even Brabourne would be proud to have you as a part of itself.”
The same flight of stairs took me to the corridor where I had spent the three years of my graduation. Once I had looked at this corridor and longed to be a part of this college and today I was walking along it as if it belonged to me.
Everything was same here. Nothing seemed to have changed as if the hands of the clock have been turned back and I was back to my graduation days. The familiar smell of acid and stains flared my nostrils. The microscopes glared back at me and told the same old story. They needed repairing. The college gets grant from the government but I wonder why it is not utilized properly for infrastructure development. The students were still fidgeting with the microscopes since it could not be focused. I even helped one of the girls in standardization. And why not? After all I had to do it almost everyday since I could never find out my microscope... somebody or the other always took it. But wonder me, who always had problem focusing.... how could I get it right today so easily? Does passing the examination means you actually have become an expert in that? But thank god! At least my image was saved!
I had to wait in the staff room for some time as the professors were a bit busy. But that was okay for me. For the first time I didn’t mind waiting in this room. Earlier it was an agony. We all had to wait here and get the slides and the diagrams corrected. And I don’t remember a single day when any of us got them right at one shot. So today waiting here was no distress. It felt good to hear the teachers shouting at the students for dirty slides and totally vague theoretical diagrams. It was the same thing, the same dialogues...only the characters had changed. Only I was no longer at the receiving end but rather a third party who was watching the scene-play. To me they were sweet and polite, asking about my job and future plans. How I had hated them for shouting at me in the initial years!! And sections!!!! Gosh! I could never get them perfect. If it was thin then it would be oblique and if I got it straight it would be thick! Even a new sharp 7oclock blade wouldn’t help. Thank god I don’t deal with them now!
The best part was meeting with the non-teaching staff. I got a warm welcome out there. In my college days they had helped me a lot as I was a hostelite and needed frequent releases. It was good to talk to them. I even had lemon tea made on the Bunsen burner and dirtied my hands with saffranine stain. Though, to be frank it was a deliberate action on my part. I wanted to get the feel of it again...the smell, the stained hands, which had been a part of my life for three years.... that I had hated so much, now felt pleasing and soothing. The staffs were criticizing the higher authorities for their misbehavior which they had to tolerate with low pay. Employee Grievances!! Here comes HR!
Sipping the tea I gazed at the volley ball court where we used to sit at times. Some were still sitting. Some things are passed on untold. I unhesitatingly looked at the beautiful gardens and the trees that could be seen from the balcony. We had spent three years plucking plants from this garden for our taxonomy classes. And I for one doubt if, even now left alone, can identify the family, leave alone the genus. But I could always blame it on “Praine’s Language”, cant I?
I had always complained that Botany is ruining my love for nature. That it was not allowing me to appreciate God’s creation. That whenever I looked at the flowers I had to talk about the arrangements of petals, sepals, androecium and gynoecium while my mind was awed by the diversity in nature. Today nobody disturbed me as I kept gazing at the flowers and the trees. There was a strange quietness around. As if life was passing by unnoticed. So smooth ....so calm... For the first time in days I found peace. My mind was at rest. I felt tired of the race....I wanted to lie down then n there. Instead I sat on the chair and felt the serenity of the place. Maybe this was what I was looking for in the past few days. The peace of mind. I don’t remember feeling so good even when I used to study here.
I realized something. Past ... good or bad...is always peaceful. Present is lively and energy consuming while future is always confusing, uncertain and turbulent. Peace can not be found anywhere. It’s a state of mind. Its within us! We need the time and moment to feel it.
It was time to leave. I retraced my path the way I came. And as I walked down the stairs, across the gateway towards the exit, my dad’s words came back to me. I couldn’t answer that call within me for I know I have not done anything substantial in my life till now. I have to prove myself in this world. I have to come back to this place to answer that voice.
I will come back again....sometime..... maybe when I am passing by or maybe when the impulse hits me or maybe to find the moment to calm down the racing mind and feel the peace within me.
I will come again.........till then ba-bye!!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)