Sunny!

The rains have finally stopped and sun rays have started peeking from amidst the clouds. The mood has shifted... Who knows the phase might just pass...

“Dear brother…”

Dreams… hopes…expectations…Somewhere unknowingly our lives have become arrested amidst these few words. And then when they are shattered all that is left behind is, amidst the ashes, frustration, depression and self pity. Can words really describe life? How did both of us mess our lives between these words, dear brother?

A few words said by you today is putting my mind to unrest. It is still echoing in my ears… “What I should have done, you are doing it. I am really proud to be your brother!” Simple words, but see it is making me cry! Proud?? To be my brother?? Its like an honorary statement for me. You might not be aware of, but its you who I am proud of, in spite of all your mistakes.
How do I tell you that one of the major influences in my life has been you, and that’s why I m what I am. How do I say that its you from whom I have always learnt the way to talk, to formulate thoughts into ideas? How do I say that it has been your inspiration which has made me put down my inhibitions away and become a jolly friendly being.
How can I say that it had been your absence from the family which had made me realize the strength of family ties and bonds. That it had been while I was yearning for your presence obsessively that I had learnt to be independent, that it was your expectations which had me work hard.
How do I forget that it had been you who had first taught me to wear jeans, to dance… that it had been conversing during those long walks into the dark nights that had taught me to think and analyse? How do I forget that it had been you who had always encouraged me to take on challenges in life?
How do I tell you I am proud of the way you have moved on in your life? How do I tell you though I may not appreciate your ways of dealing with problems yet I am proud of the fact that you have never lost the spirit. That you have always moved ahead with your failures, with the same zeal. That it was you who had taught me to share happiness with others and keep the sorrows to oneself.
That it was you who had always helped me with my problems, given me the best of the advices, patiently and tactfully you have made me realize my faults, shown me how to live for oneself, how to drink life to the lees and live to the fullest!
How easily you put difficult sentiments into simple words, how easily you could say that you are proud of me. Taking your cue, I boast today that you had been my hero all through, that in spite of all your faults and mistakes- I am proud of you, dear brother… I am proud to be your sister and of the fact that YOU are my brother.
I am proud that you are what you are!!

Keeping Pace

Chilling Outside… wet roads, all muddy and splashing everywhere… Drizzling all round...all washed away… Smells like monsoon, and with it brings a gloom. People walk past, some brushing away the drizzles and some walk by as if the pours hardly touched them. Screeching sounds of car tyres hitting the muddy surfaces… some still partying late nights, some cosily secure in their warm beds with their partners.
Candle light dinners, long drive, stolen kisses, late night calls…
Dreams woven into empty spaces… dreams shattered silently…
Faded smiles… Some unshed tears blinking on the surface, some pressed onto the cushions…
Hearts linked…Hearts broken…. Striving towards the unknown…Driving into the dark…
A newborn baby, a flower crushed… Something unspoken, some unheard…
A dark highway…a lonely street…
Life goes on…So do I.

Flowing with the tide...

Life is what happens while you are planning other things!
Soo true!! Here I was, planning so many things… the castle was almost built, the fairy tale had already reached its peak, when all of a sudden reality sneaked in.. slowly, gradually.. unknowingly, crept into my castle, like a character appearing in one of the chapters of the fairy tale without any introduction.
And it took me over…
Is reality always so shattering??

Right now I am left with a blank space, with a vacuum inside, where there is no place for any feelings, no emotions, no thoughts… just a vacuum. But I think this vacuum was always with me, had followed me everywhere only that I had always overlooked its presence.

From the moment youth had crept into my life, till late, imagination has always been my night partner. The powerful mind can do all the impossible things that is beyond practicality. You can reach the heights of Mt. Everest or the depths of Antarctic.

Faceless, voiceless, yet charming, enticing, alluring….It comes and goes.. the face that I had once talked about.. the image. Maybe it was one of my imaginations but it had been a part of me for quite some time, and today as I am on the verge of burying it, it seems as if I am about to cremate somebody, maybe a part of me. Like an unborn child which had no physical existence but when conceived had brought with it, lots of dreams, happiness and life.

However hard I try to forget its existence, that it was just a fiction, a figment of my covert imagination, it is taking me with it. Like every tide takes away something from the shore.
I just hope there is enough of me left till the end of this fiasco.

Still if you see from far, it would be no fiasco, just a passing superfluous phase. Yet for me it has the same smell as in a burial ground. The same wind, similar silence as in a funeral morning. A pregnant silence. And no chance to grief… since life has to go on…
The phase has to pass on, and I am sure that it will. All that is left is to see, what it leaves behind. Enough to take me through till the end?

Someday, somewhere, sometime, when I have revived through this passing phase, may be I can sit back and think sensibly, but for now, I am flowing… flowing away with the tide.
And it feels good to be with the tide, to be on the high and to flow away with it….

Different strokes

Hey... Its your B’day! Lots of love and kisses! How I wish I could spend the entire day with you and wish to be with you the way I would dream to...
Never mind I still enjoyed today. Our relationship has taken a new turn nowadays. And I am enjoying it no less. The different strokes of our life is what enthuses us to go ahead, I guess. We had no cakes today, no gifts, no big treats. All we had was sufficient for me. We were in the place which has helped us to mould our relation in a better way. The flight of stairs leading to that place is something which I will remember forever. In your words they are "blessing in disguise". You have given me so much... so many surprises and so much of happiness. Life seems so complete. You have filled up the vacuum in my life. Where do I store all these? How do I express my gratitude? How do I show my love for you? What gift do I give you today? The gift of love? The promise of togetherness that I might never be able to fulfill? (oh no,... not again, atleast not today!)
I give you my smile, my happiness, and a promise to make our time a cherishing remembrance for you. I gift you today the different strokes to our living!
Take Care!!

The present !

Life suddenly has taken a weird turn for me. All of a sudden nothing seems to matter at all. The darkness seem to be engulfing me everyday. But I guess I am happy. Because I can see them happy. I can see everybody around me happy and I really wish I could laugh heartily for once, but somehow I don’t feel like that. Not that I want to cry. Even tears seem useless. There is happiness floating everywhere except in the darkness of mine. Nobody asks me anything and I don’t tell anything to anyone, coz I don’t find the use of talking anything anymore to anybody. I an terribly busy with office and the moment I am out of office, I am back to my dark self. Everything is shattered around me but I have lost the zeal to gather the pieces around me. As I walk along, the pieces crumble under my feet, and majestically I walk away as if they were mere dry leaves fallen from a forlorn tree.
The thing has finally struck me. The reality of what I have done has finally struck me! And it is devastating. It is eating me up gradually but I never feel a thing. Infact I have sort of accepted it. I remember a friend of mine had said that many of us find pleasure in getting hurt. Today at this point I am sure I am one of those kinds.
I am just waiting to see the extent of my fate, to see what is in store for me. It is like sitting behind and watching a movie waiting for the climax to come.
The window pane my room seems to become hazy as I keep on staring at it and try to see beyond it. The fresh air seems to suffocating today. As I stretch my hands to wash away the moisture on the glass pane the glass crumbles under my hands and the light is blocked. Darkness prevails….
Far from somewhere I can hear the laughter outside, and how similar it sounds like the cry which was choked before it could come out!

remembrance

Never A Christmas Morning,
Never the Old Year ends...

But Someone thinks of Someone,
Old days...
Old times...
Old friends...

Sorry...!

Why do I always hurt you always?? maybe that’s the only thing I have ever done to you. I really feel that I am taking you for a ride. I don’t deserve you dear. If possible forgive me, but I am totally tired of the entire situation. You were right about me. Everyday I prove that to myself how true you were about me. Some day I want to prove myself how wrong I was to leave you...but by then it would be too late, and everything will be shattered!! That’s what I want!! But what to about this guilt...cant live with this guilt lifelong!!! how i wish this world to end right now!! I am tired of it... sorry dear... couldn’t keep up to my word!! you were right!

another gift of love... !

Today hadn’t been the best of my days....... for some reason unknown I wasn’t up to the mood. It seemed as if everything was irritating me and nothing seemed to go right.
Things like this often happen to me... for some reason somewhere... things start bothering me and I cant even find a clue to its root cause.
Today had been a similar day... things didn’t seemed to be on track anymore... and I couldn’t understand why!! From my childhood I have had this habit of talking to God or maybe some person who in my illusions has control over all the things. Today I had been talking to him again... why things are happening the way they are? Why cant things go the way we desire.. and if they cant go that way why do we desire them to be... in short why is life not easy...? why are we always in a fix? What to do what not to..........?

Then I came across this article of mountain wings. Read it twice... it goes as:

-------------------------------------------------
MountainWings A MountainWings Moment
#3028 Wings Over The Mountains of Life
-------------------------------------------------

Baking A Cake
==============

A little boy is telling his Grandma how "everything" is going
wrong: school, family problems, severe health problems, etc.

Meanwhile, Grandma is baking a cake.
She asks her grandson if he would like a snack, which of course,
he does.
"Here, have some cooking oil."
"Yuck" says the boy.

"How about a couple of raw eggs?"
"Gross, Grandma!"

"Would you like some flour then? Or maybe baking soda?"
"Grandma, those are all yucky!"

To which Grandma replies: "Yes, all those things seem bad all by
themselves. But when they are put together in the right way,
they make a wonderfully delicious cake!

God works the same way.

Many times we wonder why He would let us go through such bad and
difficult times. But God knows that when He puts these things
all in His order, they always work for good!

We just have to trust Him and eventually they will all make
something wonderful!"

God is Crazy About You.
He sends you flowers every spring and a sunrise every morning.
Whenever you want to talk, He'll listen. He can live anywhere
in the universe, and He chose your heart

Cant say whether the tensions have been erased or not since I don’t exactly know what was bothering me... but yes... I feel better now... more at peace...
This is a phase, it will pass soon. If things work out according to my wishes... good! If don’t then even better as I know god’s wish is there.
Tomorrow is not far away... and its gonna be a bright one too. Another dawn... another day for me to win, another day to love, another day to live...

Search for oneself

Love and Intimacy are ultimately based on understanding - the desire to understand, the need and the willingness to be understood. Vulnerability and trust are integral.
I felt that I was not very good at saying what needed to be said. Sometimes, words did not come out at all, only the tears did. Sometimes I felt like I wasn't understood. I wondered if it were me ..
Surrender: I was a battered rag doll that had been thrown out into the elements, exposed, naked, unfamiliar with feelings and emotions....Pain .., it was feeling.
The passing seasons: It had been Autumn. Walking in the crispness, lonely, but not alone, in my emptiness, I watched a small puppy frolicking in the colored leaves that heralded the bare branches and the coming frosty winds .. Winter, a wish had come true. Winter, a death of the past. Autumn had gone, the leaves had fallen, the snow was on the ground .. maybe Spring would come again ..

Scientists Find Soft Tissue in T-Rex Bone

...A 70-million-year-old Tyrannosaurus rex fossil dug out of a hunk of sandstone has yielded soft tissue, including blood vessels and perhaps even whole cells, U.S. researchers reported....
..."Preservation of this extent, where you still have this flexibility and transparency, has never been seen in a dinosaur before." Feathers, hair and fossilized egg contents yes, but not truly soft tissue....
...The finding certainly shows fossilization does not proceed as science had assumed...

http://story.news.yahoo.com/news?tmpl=story&cid=585&e=1&u=/nm/20050324/sc_nm/dinosaur_to_dc
http://news.nationalgeographic.com/news/2005/03/0324_050324_trexsofttissue.html

Posted by DMJ, Apr 6 2005, 08:14 PM:
Since it is impossible for organic matter to survive millions of years, doesn't this finding dismiss the notion of evolution? Seems like creationism is a better theory to explain everything.
Although, I never quite bought into evolution since it violated the first and second law of thermodynamics:
#1 Matter can neither be created or destroyed. If matter can't be created, then evolution can't be accurate. A creationists solution to this problem is a God that operates outside the realm of physics.
#2 Law of Entropy, that things go from order to increased disorder. The evolutionary theory states the opposite. Evolutionist argue creation came from a random act which lead to increasing sophisticated organisms and order.

Who discovered the "80-20 Rule"?

Vilfredo Pareto

Vilfredo Pareto, an Italian economist from the turn of the 20th century, noticed that 80% of the land in Italy was owned by 20% of the citizens. He further noticed that in general, income, wealth, land ownership, and other such economic things followed a similar distribution. He formalized this observation into "Pareto's Law", which states that distribution of wealth follows a logarithmic relationship:

Log N = log A + m ( log x )

Where N is the number of income earners who earn higher than x. A and m are constants, determined by the specific system under study. The 80-20 rule, also known as the "Pareto Principle", is a specific instance of this relationship.

Dr. Joseph Juran, management expert and quality pioneer, was the first to apply the 80-20 rule outside of economics, specifically applying it productivity, giving us the most popular statement of the 80-20 rule: 80% of the work is done by 20% of the workers.

Until recently, the 80-20 rule, or logarithmic distributions in general, were rarely studied outside the fields of economics or management theory. However, recent advances in network theory have found that Pareto's Law it is equally valid for a number of other systems, both naturally occurring and man-made systems, including molecular biology, the spread of viruses (both organic and cyber varieties), the organization of terrorist cells, the infrastructure of the Internet, the organization of the World Wide Web, and the "Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon" phenomenon - a real phenomenon, although it is not unique to Kevin Bacon.

In any case, the next time you feel like you're doing 80% of the work, at least you can take comfort in knowing it's not just your imagination.

Meaning from the Silence of the space between the words:

The answers cannot be found in the words.
They can, however be found in the silence that embraces all sounds.

Finding a Meaning of Life in amongst the words

Words are sounds to which each of us ascribes our own personal meaning. Each individual sound breaks the silence like the clap of thunders breaks the stillness of the moment before a thunder storm. Yet after the storm, the sun comes out and life is renewed.

We, as a civilization, as a culture are obsessed with sounds .. and words. These words have a meaning which we only understand in terms of a feeling .. a resonance with some learned belief.

The meaning is embellished with emotions which are the consequences experienced from the use of words. If you swore in church as a child, you got a belting.

Philosophy and Spiritual Education is based on the shattered mind's need .. a search for a meaning from the mysteries of the past .. that there has to be something more to life than the conflict between what we are told to believe and what our experience is telling us is the way it is.

The search for a meaning is based on fear. Every philosophy, every religion, every individual doctrine embraced by the mind as a truth has its basis in fear.

One young lady wrote ... "the silence has been shattered by the sounds of students and teachers tearing the words to shreds looking for answers."

disillusionment

I had always thought that my 1st job, my first salary, will be special to me. It will be a step into the independent world which will take me towards being a more wholesome person. When the placement process in my institute began and the first 2 candidates got placed , I had wondered how it would feel when I too will get placed, how happy my family will be, and I had actually visualized myself of giving them the news and their overjoyed screams had already reached my ears.. But when the actual thing did happen it was nothing near to the way I had thought it to be.
It was no big company and in fact when I got the offer I really gave it a second thought, am I not losing other chances? Did I deserve something better? Is the salary too low as compared to others? And amidst theses queries I didn’t find the joy I was supposed to find. On informing my family there, too, was no flow of over joy, dad was not well(obviously after the bomb-shell that I dropped last month, it will take him some time to recover). Mom did congratulate me but somehow, even though I tried not to get it, I could feel the indifferent attitude in their voice. Maybe they were happy or sort of relieved but somehow it wasn’t the one of the happiest moments as I had wanted it to be… the wishes sounded so formal. Maybe they had expected something better.
Even as the days passed, and I thought that mom and dad would at some time refer to my job, the waited moment never came. Dad came, visited me, stayed with me, was concerned even when I had measles, but never referred to my job ever. I had always wanted to be a doctor, but due to some unavoidable circumstances, I never could go for it, though I got an offer since it would have meant huge costs. My dad was one person who always encouraged us for higher studies, he is the person from whom I gotta know about this HRM course and he has played a pivotal role in my life always, but that day which I had always envisioned as a vital day in my life, I missed me dad’s enthusiasm. My 1st job held no happiness for me. He never asked me about my joining, salary, work hours.. not even the location . as if it didn’t matter at all. This was the 1st time in my life when he didn’t go through my mark sheet (of my 1st yr exams) even. I had always thought that maybe due to the past event he was a bit disappointed in me and this was his way of showing it out. But still it hurts……..
Yesterday after many days dad asked about my studies and that I should try for 60% since only then can I apply for NTPC. Yesterday after many days he asked me about my joining and about the other companies where I had been applying. It came as a shock to me since I had stopped expecting that!
But today after talking to Mom, I felt very down. I don’t know how my parents are going to take in what I had said to Mom… but I had to do this or else I wouldn’t have done justice to myself. I can realize that dad will have to go through all that again, maybe I have been selfish but I couldn’t help it. I just had to do it. Give it a try. Donno how things might turn out to be but I have to give it a fight. Let’s see……. I can only hope for the best!!

life

The meaning of life is encoded into punctuations:
A semicolon here, a comma there...
somewhere a question mark or an exclamation rather,
sometimes even quotes,
but ultimately a full-stop.

Haloscan commenting and trackback have been added to this blog.

A drop of tear

A drop of tear
bear my heart script
and gives me peace
can you imagine it?
A drop of tear
writes on my lips
a ballad of life
can you study it?
A drop of tear
is my near and dear
when it comes I forget all my sorrows
can you believe it?
I know
it's only mine & mine forever.
God gave it to me & I say
it is my FRIEND...

Dreams

Am dreaming of the cool, breezy
starless nights,
As the dark clouds collide.
Of the rain-wet muddy sites,
As the sudden lightening strikes.

Of the dampened feel inside,
As the eyes meet your sight.
Of the look that gives a high,
As I lay by your side.

Am dreaming of loving you tonight!!

Adieu !!

And there I was ,
On a night of dogs and lonely blur,
Of Black clouds and forlorn winds;
Walking past life to the unknown...
Waiting to be laid once
In silence and in peace.

Like the sunset behind the hills,
As the twilight begins to gleam.
Death sneaks besides me,
As time stands by.

The heavens seem to mourn
And a faraway cry somewhere
As showers wash away
The fallen dewy leaves.

Have crossed a hundred miles,
A thousand yet to go...
The journey had just begun
And now its time to go!!

"Happy Women's Day"

Two days from today we had celebrated international women’s day. There were some TV programs where even awards have been given out to “ Sarvasreshtha Nari”. Spare me that atleast!! I am not a feminist who will start cribbing that women are not getting their due rights and so on. I am just a human being who for once has been made to think a bit.

I had been in the bus waiting at the signal on my way back from a visit to my college, when I saw this lady in the foot path sweeping the pavement. I know most of you would argue with me telling that she doesn’t deserve to be called a lady....but I am calling her so! No reason, no logic...just because my heart felt it that way!!
After she completed sweeping she cleaned up some utensils and then she served food to her children and her husband who has a stall nearby. Maybe this is how she passes her time. What caught my attention was the way she was serving...and keeping aside the remaining part of food for later consumption. I have been doinging kitchen work for a long time and no doubt in more sophisticated surroundings than this. But this lady... the way she was handling... the artistic manner in which her hands moved kept me looking at the scene for quite some time. And all of a sudden a thought flashed in my mind as to whether this lady and many others like her whose days fly by thnking what to feed the next day, are slightly aware of women’s day....will they be bothered in the first place? Will their lives...their fate change because of women’s day?
I spent women’s day with my college friends in Café Coffee Day. Somewhere, somebody has made huge cash by publicizing events for this day. But are the women really celebrating their day?
This hue-n-cry about women’s day makes me bound to think about the prostitutes. Nobody talks about them!! Why? Is it so disgusting? Are they the black shades to womanhood? I, being a girl, know how much it means to sell your body to any Tom, Dick & Harry. No person in this universe would willingly go to this field. There are provisions to makeup for lust without going for prostitution. These are the women of our society who by fate have landed up in a world of no return. If only the media had spent even a fraction of their money to publicize how a prostitute feels about this day, I think that would have been unconventional...but more real. Tell me how a prostitute who has killed the woman inside her would celebrate women’s day!!
I am still imagining how that lady on the pavement would have reacted had I got down from the bus and wished her “Happy Women’s Day”

Do we really feel anything for the women of today... any respect.....that we are up with this so called “women’s day”? Then why are still girls.even kids being raped and left alone to die. Why women are still the prey of society? Why these hollow talks about women’s lib.? What we need is to open our minds. Our outlook. And respect humans as humans. I am not against celebrations of these kinds, but they should mean some value. A journalist will make money writing loads on this issue. Hundreds of articles are being published on these matters, but either people are indifferent towards the actual gravity of the situation since nothing in their close vicinity has ever happened or they have come to terms with the fact that nothing can be done.
Today I am penning down my thoughts, and the next moment I will forget about it.
What we don’t forget are dates: father’s day, mother’s day, valentines day, women’s day and so on.........

Nostalgic...

As I walked through the wide open gates to the all too familiar building which has stood there for years, I didn’t feel any different. It was like a part of my daily routine as it used to be two years ago. There was some sort of suppressed excitement, it was the first time in these two years that I would be visiting my college. The board displayed the name “Lady Brabourne College” and I walked in. As I made my way through the gateway, I recalled my first introduction with this college.
Being born and brought up outside Kolkata (& maybe due to the fact that I disliked it and never wanted to study in this city) I was quite unaware of the fact that it was one of the best colleges in the city. It was only during one of my vacations in the city when I had come down to Park Circus for some blood tests in Repro-Med that my dad told me about this college being every girl’s dream college. At that time I had criticized my dad’s secret desire for me to be a Brabournite. As unexpected as it was, I landed up in this dream college as a Botany Hons. Student. As I walked pass the same entrance I remembered the words spoken by my dad as I had walked by his side on my first day to college. “Live in a way such that even Brabourne would be proud to have you as a part of itself.”

The same flight of stairs took me to the corridor where I had spent the three years of my graduation. Once I had looked at this corridor and longed to be a part of this college and today I was walking along it as if it belonged to me.
Everything was same here. Nothing seemed to have changed as if the hands of the clock have been turned back and I was back to my graduation days. The familiar smell of acid and stains flared my nostrils. The microscopes glared back at me and told the same old story. They needed repairing. The college gets grant from the government but I wonder why it is not utilized properly for infrastructure development. The students were still fidgeting with the microscopes since it could not be focused. I even helped one of the girls in standardization. And why not? After all I had to do it almost everyday since I could never find out my microscope... somebody or the other always took it. But wonder me, who always had problem focusing.... how could I get it right today so easily? Does passing the examination means you actually have become an expert in that? But thank god! At least my image was saved!

I had to wait in the staff room for some time as the professors were a bit busy. But that was okay for me. For the first time I didn’t mind waiting in this room. Earlier it was an agony. We all had to wait here and get the slides and the diagrams corrected. And I don’t remember a single day when any of us got them right at one shot. So today waiting here was no distress. It felt good to hear the teachers shouting at the students for dirty slides and totally vague theoretical diagrams. It was the same thing, the same dialogues...only the characters had changed. Only I was no longer at the receiving end but rather a third party who was watching the scene-play. To me they were sweet and polite, asking about my job and future plans. How I had hated them for shouting at me in the initial years!! And sections!!!! Gosh! I could never get them perfect. If it was thin then it would be oblique and if I got it straight it would be thick! Even a new sharp 7oclock blade wouldn’t help. Thank god I don’t deal with them now!

The best part was meeting with the non-teaching staff. I got a warm welcome out there. In my college days they had helped me a lot as I was a hostelite and needed frequent releases. It was good to talk to them. I even had lemon tea made on the Bunsen burner and dirtied my hands with saffranine stain. Though, to be frank it was a deliberate action on my part. I wanted to get the feel of it again...the smell, the stained hands, which had been a part of my life for three years.... that I had hated so much, now felt pleasing and soothing. The staffs were criticizing the higher authorities for their misbehavior which they had to tolerate with low pay. Employee Grievances!! Here comes HR!
Sipping the tea I gazed at the volley ball court where we used to sit at times. Some were still sitting. Some things are passed on untold. I unhesitatingly looked at the beautiful gardens and the trees that could be seen from the balcony. We had spent three years plucking plants from this garden for our taxonomy classes. And I for one doubt if, even now left alone, can identify the family, leave alone the genus. But I could always blame it on “Praine’s Language”, cant I?
I had always complained that Botany is ruining my love for nature. That it was not allowing me to appreciate God’s creation. That whenever I looked at the flowers I had to talk about the arrangements of petals, sepals, androecium and gynoecium while my mind was awed by the diversity in nature. Today nobody disturbed me as I kept gazing at the flowers and the trees. There was a strange quietness around. As if life was passing by unnoticed. So smooth ....so calm... For the first time in days I found peace. My mind was at rest. I felt tired of the race....I wanted to lie down then n there. Instead I sat on the chair and felt the serenity of the place. Maybe this was what I was looking for in the past few days. The peace of mind. I don’t remember feeling so good even when I used to study here.
I realized something. Past ... good or bad...is always peaceful. Present is lively and energy consuming while future is always confusing, uncertain and turbulent. Peace can not be found anywhere. It’s a state of mind. Its within us! We need the time and moment to feel it.
It was time to leave. I retraced my path the way I came. And as I walked down the stairs, across the gateway towards the exit, my dad’s words came back to me. I couldn’t answer that call within me for I know I have not done anything substantial in my life till now. I have to prove myself in this world. I have to come back to this place to answer that voice.

I will come back again....sometime..... maybe when I am passing by or maybe when the impulse hits me or maybe to find the moment to calm down the racing mind and feel the peace within me.
I will come again.........till then ba-bye!!

Art of Living

The first time you take it in your mouth with lot of excitement and vigor only to feel it dissolve inside & while doing so it leaves a soft n sweet feeling inside. Second time is even better, it reminds you of the previous one, taste of which is still lingering on your senses, and also brings with itself promises of the more delightful times ahead. Oh what response it initiates from you! Perfect Chemistry!!
And you crave for it more. The creamy layers with that innocent untouched unearthly look on it entices you, seduces you & you blindly follow its lead. There is just no going back. You hold it lightly, applying little pressure, its so smooth... it looks so delicate.. so soft ...& so luscious..! the desire for it is emmense...
...It yields under your feather light touch and so you pick it, stare at it innocently n give in to the desire bubbling inside you, devour it with an urgent passion- you never knew of possessing. You twist and turn it inside, tease it with your tongue, cover it with your saliva until it is completely absorbed in the process & becomes a part of you.. Heights of Passion!!

You yearn for more & grab whatever little is left. With the last look of love you take it between your lips first, kissing it the final goodbye, then forcing it deep down, relishing its soft creamy remnants for some time. The love-making has reached its climax! The desire that had been burning deep inside has been satiated..but for how long is still a question. It will keep you going till the midnight oil burns. And with the rising sun the longing for it will hit you again..and again.. till you burn yourself out with it—and then what? Fat.. Calories..Diabetes!!!
That’s what excess of pastries do to you! Sit in their confectionary shops & lures you till you can no longer resist a soft bite of its... the more you have, the more you want.
They make you long for it... even creep in your dreams... like it has done to me..
I am not allowed to have it..but can only dream about it.
Well thats what life is all about... dreaming about all that you can not have..!!!

The Lady in White

She would look directly at your face.... a blank look... and it perturbs you. Is it the cataract that gives it a gleam or do I detect a film of tears in her eyes? The white that she is wearing has faded away but she prefers it that way ‘coz her younger daughter gave it or was it the elder one.. I don’t remember, but she does!! Even the color of her hair matches.. a dirty white... makes me wonder was it ever black ? I wonder how many folds does that skin on her hand have? The cheekbones seem to protrude out her face.. a pale look.. so morose! Its only the eyes that catches your attention.. the unvarying blank look in them....!

The earliest memories of my grandmother (“mamma” as I generally call her) is that of a lady with a hunch.. wearing white, with a red border when grandfather was alive and after that other borders, specially blue/ green... worn in the “colloquial bangali” style. Ask her for any help and she would be more than obliged to do it for you. She would climb the stairs almost 10 times in every two hours.. a task that none of us in the family likes to do except her. So if u have to get anything from upstairs, relax!...she would get it for you. Others say that she must have been very good looking at her times but I don’t understand the logic behind that statement. What beauty could that face ever possess..? The jutting chin and the cheekbones hits your eyes first. The face is weird...sans teeth..Nothing special at all...
She would irritate the hell out of you with her babbles. She has achieved several titles over the years (of course by me n my bro.. who else can do such honour!)..1st it was “water- tank” since she would constantly ask us to drink loads of water.. then it was “question-bank” to describe her never-ending questions on each n every issue, relevant or not. There were many more.. and the current update is “president” since she passes her time (and also ours) by worrying about the entire world. I wish our leaders had possessed a fraction of her skills!!
Energy..never ending. I would get tired looking at her energetic ways.
What would make her happy? Work... specially cooking. As the family story goes she once got annoyed with my mom since the latter would do the major part of kitchen-work all by herself..! The moment my mom came to know about it she gladly did what she had been wanting to do herself for quite some time.. she handed the entire kitchen work to my granny and busied her days with “addas over coffee cups”. Everybody considers my granny to be the ideal ‘saas’... not at all fussy. (I wish I would get one like her).
When we were kids she would carry me on her side, take my brother on his tricycle and go out for stroll in the evenings. Ask her whom she loves the most amongst all her grandchildren..she would name me n my bro. Push her to be more specific and she would gladly say its my bro since he is the 1st child n that also a male one. She never seemed to mind my knowing this fact (not that I mind).
And when its storytime ..dare you stop her! She is always ready with her “desher golpo” ..stories n gossips from her past life in the then-united Bangladesh. These would include dacoits..to Raja-Ranis to ghosts. She is a great believer of ghosts. Says she had heard them sing too though has never seen them with her own eyes. She can even recite how ghosts talk. And worse is when she talks the colloquial ‘bangal’ language. She says that when she dies she would return as a “bhoot” to prove that ghosts exist. (Grt joke isn’t it?)
She used to love movies like anything.. would tell me that she would be satisfied on her death-bed if I let her see an action movie!
But now things have changed.. the movies no longer appeal to her. She is busy in her own world of fantasy. Everyday she seems to age more. Her length has reduced to half. The bones seem to be so weak. There are hollows on her face.. the eyes once so cheerful, has now sunk back into their sockets. She tries to hold back onto the past... but all in vain... Her world is now restricted to her clothes and her youngest son. She is always busy counting the number of saris and blouses she has. You will feel she is mad.. but this madness always comes with old age. Now she cant afford to walk that much.. gets tired easily. She generally sits on a chair beside the window, wearing an old sari, as she feels she must keep the fresh ones for the time when she goes out.. who dares to explain that she hardly goes out of the house ?

She simply sits there with her eyes focused on something that none of us can see.. I wonder if she can see it too! She would look up sometimes to see if anybody is watching her or not. But nobody does. All of us are so busy and its not our fault ( is it?) if she speaks the wrong things at the wrong moments and we loose our temper! Then her eyes would fill up with tears and she would rub it off with the corner of her sari and continue to stare at us. And that would make you feel guilty.
But are we to be blamed if we don’t have time to spare with her.. obviously not. Life is so fast.. how can we afford that? Or can we? After all what shall I talk with her. Whenever I get ready for my college she stands and looks at me.. then passes a comment. A stern look from me stops her. Never mind if this comment had come from my friends..but not her..! She is happy to see the family get-togethers... never mind if she is left out. She misses her husband--my grandfather. Often cries out to him and asks him to take her away with him..but he doesn’t seem to listen. She, unlike us, never hides her loneliness. Hide it from whom actually? Nobody is actually bothered. So she remains in the house... day long... all alone. She has, with her, the memories of the past 85 (or 87 maybe)years with her. She remains engrossed in her world of memories... good and bad.

And so she sits back again. The blank look is back. Sometimes she would look up hoping to get a look of recognition from somewhere...and she still keeps up that hope ..that someday someone might recognize her and return a bit of love that she earlier had so earnestly distributed amongst others. She presents the perfect picturesque model.. and yes she is still good-looking... all in white...a sad look in her eyes.. the tears which unknowingly roll down her cheeks, going down as they traverse along the cheekbones, and ends at her thin soft lips.. some go beyond. The years have not stolen her soft look..a look so full of love.
She is so absorbed that she hardly notices me watching! Watching and thinking if this is the future that all of us are heading towards. She waits for love to come her way.. she waits for her final day! Wish I could tell her that she need not look far for love... its there with all of us.. we just dont end up showing it. Wish I could tell her that for me-- she is my lady and will always remain so!

lines to remember.....

• Death... just one time,
  Creep inside me and give me a kiss,
  Or grant me a hangover at least...
  Give me the pain, the darkness
  The road to the unknown...
  All I want is to walk away....
• (-unknown-)

• When the dreams come true...
  When the hearts get through...
  All I need is your silence to take me through!!
  (- joy/14.01.05/11:58 pm-)

• to do or to say what u believe, the thoughts beyond ur imagination,
  the love beyond eternity, the choice u make in ur heart,
  the desire u never commnicate...
  life is, but a game u hav to play till u stay
  till then u, me and many more...
• (- joy/27.01.05/11:10 pm)

• when i wud cry in my future for u, ur smile will bring my hapiness back...
  when i wud feel restless, ur dreams will bring me peace
  when i wud remember to forget u, ur smell wud travel across to me
  this will be my life without u!!
• (-joy/27.01.05/11:21 pm)

will sleep again!

Its raining hard .... I can hear the falling raindrops from inside.. its falling on the tin car-shade and making a harsh sound... it seems as if hell has broken loose... it must be chilling outside .
The satin sheets are cold like ice and when it touches the warmth of the body, it gives me shivers.. It will be warm soon... the blanket will make sure of it.. It seems a perfect night is awaiting me... cozy....warm...silky...the sounds outside provides the music. That’s why I have switched off the FM....The ceiling fan seems to fade away...the eyelids are so heavy.....how relaxing it is to close your eyes...and so do I do..
The music is still there.., the ceiling fan has vanished.. Instead it has come....the face, the image that has now become a part of me. Its always there with me wherever I go.. it peeps or smiles and even criticizes me.. I talk with it..love to see the smile and hear its voice.. Wat shall I call it.. “my friend of darkness”..? “it” is a better word.. I prefer using that!
It has come again....it always does. Meets me at this place every night...how close it is. I can touch it. It never shies away....it hears everything, the spoken n the unspoken words too...It has now become the closest thing to me... and I can see the twinkle in its eyes which promises me of togetherness, come what may... and I believe it......... IT IS THERE TO STAY!! It plays with me.. touches me .. caresses me, cuddles me. Sometimes hides away from me ..only to come back again....I am happy.......and satisfied too..I have it with me...

Wat was that noise? Its still drizzling out..... I can faintly see the ceiling fan above me.. I search for my cell phone which must be beside my pillow, thats where I keep it...a look at it and the time shows “03.14am”. Plenty of time to sleep again and I close my eyes...
It is still there, patiently waiting for me... gives me a mock smile... I enjoy it...have started enjoying every act of “my friend of darkness”. Am deeply aware of every motion of its. I wonder why I am never tired of looking at it.. every time is a new experience and every time I fall more in love with it...deep.....intense.....strong!

I have to take out my hand from the warmth of the blanket or else the shrilling sound will eat me up! It must be the alarm...goodness! Its really irritating! The lovely music of the night before is no more there, but the clouds in the sky are a constant reminder.
Its so warm inside the blanket but as I stretch my legs, I realize how icy the sheets are! I can still doze off for a minute or two till the bed tea is served and then the day has to begin again..! College ....WOW! (College.. uff! That was how it used to be earlier!). But now things have changed. I get to meet him there.. so it has to be the best place for me. I spend the major part of my day there with him. Either in the classroom, or in the canteen.. or on the terrace, or in coffee house and sometimes at Food Station too. He is so similar to my night friend. He listens to me.. to whatever shit I have to talk..calls me his baby, his girl.......how similar both are!! The more I stay with him the more I want to.. I am never satisfied... I seem to want more of him everyday... when the time comes to get back to home, its worse.. I wish I could hold on to him...but I know that’s not feasible... so we part with the hope that we meet again online...and so we do. From here starts the game of chatting and voice chat.. thanx to the technology.. I can see him if I want to thru his webcam too, but I don’t need to , my imagination is strong enough.
Night falls.... have to go to bed.. we bid each other goodbyes.. and he signs out. For quite a few moments I keep staring at the monitor.. missing his presence.. go through our conversation again.... and then sign out myself to prepare for bed..
Bed..! night.. sleep! Wonderful.. it must be waiting for me again.. have to rush.....its time!
And there it comes...as it always does..smiling and with open arms. It waits for me the entire day to welcome me with all its heart.
It will always remain so..my heart tells me so..
Years down the line when I no more have the time to listen to the falling raindrops..when I no longer feel the warmth of the blanket, when I don’t have to go to college ..no canteens, no adda, no cups of coffee on the terrace, no coffeehouse no foodstation visits.........When tired of the ‘office’ life I look out for something-- only to get a vacuum . I know it will still be there..that face, that image, that smile, that caress...
it might touch me lightly even, but it will....
It will still listen to me when I have lost the energy to talk..
It will remind me of those cozy...warm... silky nights..
of the smile that was there in broad day light..
of the hand that touched me..
of the heart that loved me.
... and I will be happy again!! I will be his girl again. I will forget everything and sleep again!

under a spell..

I look above the dark sky, twinkling stars & down the lonely streets and all too familiar lanes. Magic of the moonlight sweeps over me, bewitches me. My heart at peace, mind still full of the day’s events and body exhausted. I stand by the balcony…….. staring at something unseen…..trying to hear something unheard. There is a strange calmness everywhere as if the night is under a spell……..!! a cold shiver runs down my spine and I go back to my room.
Inside, there is darkness, illuminated by the light from the computer, a silence broken only by the ticking of the wall-clock. My bed seems ready to devour me but sleep is the last thing on my mind. The spell is not yet broken…...…
A tide of emotions come rushing out . I never knew of possessing such emotions. In this midnight hour, why this sudden gust of feelings? My heart is heavy, I know not why. I feel as if I’ve lost something and am looking for it. But what.......?
The strange fact is that amidst the past 22 years, today suddenly I am looking for my lost childhood. Those merriful days when laughter bubbled in young hearts and fantasy filled clouds would float, when sleep came ushered by mamma’s lullaby........
I wish to retrace my path & grasp those days..but they fly by, they elude me. As if I’ve come a long long way through the winding paths of life. Like a kaleidoscope the bitter-sweet memories of yesteryears come reflecting back to my mind...

Its been a long day today!! Have lots of work to do .. cant spare the time to fall back into the past.. I must go!!!

Its all about questions !!!!!!!

Life has a strange way of taking turns when u least expect it to.. where is the line which keeps us to ourselves ? y cant I see it? and still I know it is there I know, that's y it pulls me back 4m being wat I want to be.. is it really dat difficult to keep urself happy...? Ok leave aside happy.. Lets say satisfied ... and wats going to happen if I break the rules... I cross the line... will it really be that bad....? Lets not answer that question coz the answer mite give me the solution to my problems. Y then am I scared of the solution? Does dat mean I am doing it deliberately which wud mean dat I like the line.. its my life I hav to live it on my own.. then y shud my decisions depend on others.. these others wont be there for the life time... they will also leave me.. so? shud I take decisions depending on these others..

Lets talk about love.. wats it precisely....? I cannot say.....my vocabulary isn't strong enuf to suffice its meaning....but I must say its amazing..... Even if it comes to you 4 a short while grab it, I wud say!! Its worth it... u will feel gud from within that u r the lucky 1 to have experienced it atleast... the concept of perfect love love to me is very complex... it really varies from 1 individual to the other, but i wud definitely take this an opportunity to quot a few lines about perfect love:.........
perfect love is not receiving, its giving;
perfect love is not red roses on valentine's day, its the rest of the 364 days of knowing u love someone;
perfect love is not phone calls n stolen kisses, its the silent smiles in memory of your sweetheart;
perfect love is not a grand wedding , but spending a lifetime together;
perfect love is not fight-kiss-makeup,its loving the one who annoys the hell out of you!!!!!!!!!

...and believe it or not I, for one, believes in each of the words written above.